"After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from\nHeaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,\nand turned to God and said, \"A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon\nto be created.\"\n\t\"This is true,\" He replied.\n\t\"He will need laws,\" said the Demon slyly.\n\t\"What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the\nright to make his laws?\"\n\t\"Oh, no!\" Satan replied, \"I ask only that he be allowed to make\nhis own.\"\n\tIt was so granted.\n"
"Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and\nwater, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote\nintellectual crime.\n"
"Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.\n"
"Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.\n"
"Once Law was sitting on the bench\n\tAnd Mercy knelt a-weeping.\n\"Clear out!\" he cried, \"disordered wench!\n\tNor come before me creeping.\nUpon you knees if you appear,\n'Tis plain you have no standing here.\"\n\nThen Justice came. His Honor cried:\n\t\"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!\"\n\"Amica curiae,\" she replied --\n\t\"Friend of the court, so please you.\"\n\"Begone!\" he shouted -- \"There's the door --\nI never saw your face before!\"\n"
"Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.\n"
"Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly\n\tas one man.\n\nMinor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;\n\nConclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.\n"
"Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...\n"
"Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism\n\nMagnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.\n\n\tThe two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from\nthe works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the\nsubject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of\nhuman knowledge.\n"
"Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks\nhe is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief\noccupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,\nwhich, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest\nthe whole habitable earth and Canada.\n"
"Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.\n"
"Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that\nthey are in the market.\n"
"Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distin-\nguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit\nof matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,\nindivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the\ncorpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion...\n"
"Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are\nthe molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with\nHaeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --\nwhose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...A\nfifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any\nmore about the matter than the others.\n"
"Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.\n"
"Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its\norigin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished\nfrom the true accounts which it invents later.\n"
"...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it\nis thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists\nhave drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of\nsmell.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.\n"
"Once, adv.: Enough.\n"
"\tIn Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the\nlast resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened\nbut inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by\nthe splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior\nin scope, for it balks at pig.\n"
"Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.\n"
"It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.\n"
"Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:\n\t1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc\n\t straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this\n\t force is technically termed \"car suck\").\n\t2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive\n\t than \"Watch this!\"\n"
"Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the\non roof and gets stuck.\n"
"Hofstadter's Law:\n\tIt always takes longer than you expect, even when you take\n\tHofstadter's Law into account.\n"
"\"It is bad luck to be superstitious.\"\n\t\t-- Andrew W. Mathis\n"
"If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.\n\t\t-- Roy Santoro\n"
"Main's Law:\n\tFor every action there is an equal and opposite government\n\tprogram.\n"
"\"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.\"\n"
"Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:\n\tIt's on the other side.\n"
"Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:\n\t1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad\n\t check.\n\t2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.\n\t3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is\n\t attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is\n\t attracted to dark objects.\n"
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction.\n\t\t-- Noelie Altito\n"
"Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a\nlarger object.\n"
"If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel\nin a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary\nqualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.\n\t\t-- Marguerite Emmons\n"
"Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.\n"
"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the\nstupidity of your action.\n"
"Hurewitz's Memory Principle:\n\tThe chance of forgetting something is directly proportional\n\tto.....to........uh..............\n"
"Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots\n"
"It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the\nlowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as\nhigh as the eagle?\n"
"\"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some\nmemoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'\nit, even if they don't know what it means.\"\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"
"If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.\nOn the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is\nalso a psychological interaction.\nThe difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.\nThe crucial point is if you can tell which is which.\n"
"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.\n"
"A penny saved is ridiculous.\n"
"The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.\nThis means that only left handed people are in their right mind.\n"
"\"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.\tThe irrefutable\nproof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.\"\n"
"If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.\n"
"It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark\n"
"Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!\n"
"Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.\n"
"Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be\nworse in Cleveland.\n"
"As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there\nis always a future in Computer Maintenance.\n"
"Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may\nbe in owning a piece thereof.\n"
"For a good time, call (415) 642-9483\n"
"\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!\007\nYou brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!\n"
"A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).\n"
"To be is to do.\n\t-- I. Kant\nTo do is to be.\n\t-- A. Sartre\nYabba-Dabba-Doo!\n\t-- F. Flinstone\n"
"God is Dead\n\t-- Nietzsche\nNietzsche is Dead\n\t-- God\nNietzsche is God\n\t-- Dead\n"
"Jesus Saves,\nMoses Invests,\nBut only Buddha pays Dividends.\n"
"Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.\n"
"Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.\n"
"Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,\n\thow many?\n"
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it.\n"
"Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the\nStation-to-Station rate.\n"
"Necessity is a mother.\n"
"Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!\n"
"!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH\n"
"You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.\n"
"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.\n"
"May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts\n"
"May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a\nThousand Caramels.\n"
"In the days of old,\nWhen Knights were bold,\n\tAnd women were too cautious;\nOh, those gallant days,\nWhen women were women,\n\tAnd men were really obnoxious...\n"
"Sex is not the answer.\tSex is the question. \"Yes\" is the answer.\n"
"If anything can go wrong, it will.\n"
"$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at\nwhich time it will be worth absolutely nothing.\n"
"If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their\nHeads.\n"
"If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.\n"
"If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.\n"
"If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit\nEars.\n"
"How doth the little crocodile\n Improve his shining tail,\nAnd pour the waters of the Nile\n On every golden scale!\n\nHow cheerfully he seems to grin,\n How neatly spreads his claws,\nAnd welcomes little fishes in,\n With gently smiling jaws!\n"
"You're at the end of the road again.\n"
"If anything can go wrong, it will.\n"
"The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.\n\nHowever, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by\njudging things by their price.\n"
"\"You are old, father William,\" the young man said,\n \"And your hair has become very white;\nAnd yet you incessantly stand on your head --\n Do you think, at your age, it is right?\"\n\n\"In my youth,\" father William replied to his son,\n \"I feared it might injure the brain;\nBut, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,\n Why, I do it again and again.\"\n"
"\"You are old,\" said the youth, \"as I mentioned before,\n And have grown most uncommonly fat;\nYet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --\n Pray what is the reason of that?\"\n\n\"In my youth,\" said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,\n \"I kept all my limbs very supple\nBy the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --\n Allow me to sell you a couple?\"\n"
"\"You are old,\" said the youth, \"and your jaws are too weak\n For anything tougher than suet;\nYet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --\n Pray, how did you manage to do it?\"\n\n\"In my youth,\" said his father, \"I took to the law,\n And argued each case with my wife;\nAnd the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,\n Has lasted the rest of my life.\"\n"
"\"You are old,\" said the youth, \"one would hardly suppose\n That your eye was as steady as ever;\nYet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --\n What made you so awfully clever?\"\n\n\"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,\"\n Said his father. \"Don't give yourself airs!\nDo you think I can listen all day to such stuff?\n Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!\"\n"
"Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,\nWhere dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,\nTheir indices bedecked from one to ←\bn,\nCommingled in an endless Markov chain!\n"
"Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,\nAnd every vector dreams of matrices.\nHark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:\nIt whispers of a more ergodic zone.\n"
"In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space\nLet superscripts and subscripts go their ways.\nOur symptotes no longer out of phase,\nWe shall encounter, counting, face to face.\n"
"I'll grant the random access to my heart,\nThoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;\nAnd so we two shall all love's lemmas prove\nAnd in our bound partition never part.\n"
"Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?\nAbscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,\nA root or two, a torus and a node:\nThe inverse of my verse, a null domain.\n"
"I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,\nI hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.\nBernoulli would have been content to die\nHad he but known such ←\ba-squared cos 2(thi)!\n"
"A very intelligent turtle\nFound programming UNIX a hurdle\n\tThe system, you see,\n\tRan as slow as did he,\nAnd that's not saying much for the turtle.\n"
"This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,\nplease use the program \"←\br←\ba←\bn←\bd←\bc←\bh←\ba←\br\". This program generates random\ncharacters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with\nsomething profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be\nmore profound than THIS program has ever been.\n"
"This fortune intentionally not included.\n"
"Speak roughly to your little boy,\n And beat him when he sneezes:\nHe only does it to annoy\n Because he knows it teases.\n\n\tWow! wow! wow!\n\nI speak severely to my boy,\n And beat him when he sneezes:\nFor he can thoroughly enjoy\n The pepper when he pleases!\n\n\tWow! wow! wow!\n"
"\t\"I quite agree with you,\" said the Duchess; \"and the moral of\nthat is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put\nmore simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it\nmight appear to others that what you were or might have been was not\notherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be\notherwise.'\"\n"
"Il brilgue: les t^\boves libricilleux\n Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,\nEnm^\bim'\bes sont les gougebosquex,\n Et le m^\bomerade horgrave.\n"
"Es brilig war.\tDie schlichte Toven\n Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;\nUnd aller-m\"\bumsige Burggoven\n Dir mohmen R\"\bath ausgraben.\n"
"\t\"I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'\" Alice said\n\tHumpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. \"Of course you don't --\ntill I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for\nyou!'\"\n\t\"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'\" Alice\nobjected.\n\t\"When I use a word,\" Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful\ntone, \"it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor\nless.\"\n\t\"The question is,\" said Alice, \"whether you can make words mean\nso many different things.\"\n\t\"The question is,\" said Humpty Dumpty, \"which is to be master --\nthat's all.\"\n"
"Oh, when I was in love with you,\n Then I was clean and brave,\nAnd miles around the wonder grew\n How well did I behave.\n\nAnd now the fancy passes by,\n And nothing will remain,\nAnd miles around they'll say that I\n Am quite myself again.\n\n\t\t-- A. E. Housman\n"
"Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.\nShe scissored short. Sorely shorn,\nSoon shackled slave, Samson sighed,\nSilently scheming,\nSightlessly seeking\nSome savage, spectacular suicide.\n\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem\n"
"In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own\nincompetency\n\t\t-- the Peter Principle\n"
"Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate\nit.\n"
"Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic\nformulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the\nscientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact\nwholly unconcerned with what ←\bd←\bo←\be←\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of\nexistence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to\ndiscuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the\nproblem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the\nmythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,\none might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely\ndifferent way...\n"
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that\nyou will look forward to the trip.\n"
"A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.\n"
"When Marriage is Outlawed,\nOnly Outlaws will have Inlaws.\n"
"HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.\nSHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelley\n"
"Look out! Behind you!\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\007\n"
"Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!\n"
"Anything worth doing is worth overdoing\n"
"Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls\ncoins out of one's pockets.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on\nthe wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.\n"
"If all be true that I do think,\nThere be Five Reasons why one should Drink;\nGood friends, good wine, or being dry,\nOr lest we should be by-and-by,\nOr any other reason why.\n"
"If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that\nwill cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.\n"
"If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure\ncan go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly\ndevelop.\n"
"Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.\n"
"Every solution breeds new problems.\n"
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so\ningenious.\n"
"O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:\n\t\"Murphy was an optimist.\"\n"
"Boling's postulate:\n\tIf you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.\n"
"Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked\nsomething.\n"
"If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody\nwill.\n"
"Scott's first Law:\n\tNo matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.\n"
"Scott's second Law:\n\tWhen an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found\n\tto have been wrong in the first place.\nCorollary:\n\tAfter the correction has been found in error, it will be\n\timpossible to fit the original quantity back into the\n\tequation.\n"
"Finagle's first Law:\n\tIf an experiment works, something has gone wrong.\n"
"Finagle's second Law:\n\tNo matter what the anticipated result, there will always be\n\tsomeone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)\n\tbelieve it happened according to his own pet theory.\n"
"Finagle's third Law:\n\tIn any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,\n\tbeyond all need of checking, is the mistake\nCorollaries:\n\t1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.\n\t2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really\n\t don't want to hear, will see it immediately.\n"
"Finagle's fourth Law:\n\tOnce a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only\n\tmakes it worse.\n"
"Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.\n"
"Issawi's Laws of Progress:\n\n\tThe Course of Progress:\n\t\tMost things get steadily worse.\n\n\tThe Path of Progress:\n\t\tA shortcut is the longest distance between two points.\n"
"Simon's Law:\n\tEverything put together falls apart sooner or later.\n"
"Ginsberg's Theorem:\n\t1. You can't win.\n\t2. You can't break even.\n\t3. You can't even quit the game.\n\nFreeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:\n\n\tEvery major philosophy that attempts to make life seem\n\tmeaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's\n\tTheorem. To wit:\n\n\t1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.\n\t2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break\n\t even.\n\t3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the\n\t game.\n"
"Ehrman's Commentary:\n\t1. Things will get worse before they get better.\n\t2. Who said things would get better?\n"
"Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.\nVelocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.\n"
"Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:\n\tNegative expectations yield negative results.\n\tPositive expectations yield negative results.\n"
"Howe's Law:\n\tEveryone has a scheme that will not work.\n"
"Sturgeon's Law:\n\t90% of everything is crud.\n"
"Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:\n\tInvestment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the\n\tprobable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting\n\tsome useful work done.\n"
"Brook's Law:\n\tAdding manpower to a late software project makes it later\n"
"Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:\n\tProject teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so\n\tvividly manifests their lack of progress.\n"
"Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:\n\tThere's always one more bug.\n"
"Shaw's Principle:\n\tBuild a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will\n\twant to use it.\n"
"Law of the Perversity of Nature:\n\tYou cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the\n\tbread to butter.\n"
"Law of Selective Gravity:\n\tAn object will fall so as to do the most damage.\n\nJenning's Corollary:\n\tThe chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is\n\tdirectly proportional to the cost of the carpet.\n"
"Paul's Law:\n\tYou can't fall off the floor.\n"
"Johnson's First Law:\n\tWhen any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the\n\tmost inconvenient possible time.\n"
"Watson's Law:\n\tThe reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the\n\tnumber and significance of any persons watching it.\n"
"Sattinger's Law:\n\tIt works better if you plug it in.\n"
"Lowery's Law:\n\tIf it jams -- force it.\t If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.\n"
"Fudd's First Law of Opposition:\n\tPush something hard enough and it will fall over.\n"
"Cahn's Axiom:\n\tWhen all else fails, read the instructions.\n"
"Jenkinson's Law:\n\tIt won't work.\n"
"Murphy's Law of Research:\n\tEnough research will tend to support your theory.\n"
"Maier's Law:\n\tIf the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be\n\tdisposed of.\n\nCorollaries:\n\t1. The bigger the theory, the better.\n\t2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than\n\t 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to\n\t obtain a correspondence with the theory.\n"
"Williams and Holland's Law:\n\tIf enough data is collected, anything may be proven by\n\tstatistical methods.\n"
"Harvard Law:\n\tUnder the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,\n\ttemperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the\n\torganism will do as it damn well pleases.\n"
"Hoare's Law of Large Problems:\n\tInside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get\n\tout.\n"
"Brooke's Law:\n\tWhenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool\n\tdiscovers something which either abolishes the system or\n\texpands it beyond recognition.\n"
"Meskimen's Law:\n\tThere's never time to do it right, but there's always time to\n\tdo it over.\n"
"Heller's Law:\n\tThe first myth of management is that it exists.\n\nJohnson's Corollary:\n\tNobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the\n\torganization.\n"
"Peter's Law of Substitution:\n\tLook after the molehills, and the mountains will look after\n\tthemselves.\n"
"Parkinson's Fourth Law:\n\tThe number of people in any working group tends to increase\n\tregardless of the amount of work to be done.\n"
"Parkinson's Fifth Law:\n\tIf there is a way to delay in important decision, the good\n\tbureaucracy, public or private, will find it.\n"
"Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:\n\tPeople are always available for work in the past tense.\n"
"Iron Law of Distribution:\n\tThem that has, gets.\n"
"H. L. Mencken's Law:\n\tThose who can -- do.\n\tThose who can't -- teach.\n\nMartin's Extension:\n\tThose who cannot teach -- administrate.\n"
"Jone's Law:\n\tThe man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone\n\tto blame it on.\n"
"Rule of Feline Frustration:\n\tWhen your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly\n\tcontent and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.\n"
"A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by\nblowing first.\n"
"After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access\ncover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been\nremoved.\n"
"After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found\non the bench.\n"
"In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)\nare to be treated as variables.\n"
"Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.\n"
"First Law of Bicycling:\n\tNo matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the\n\twind.\n"
"Boob's Law:\n\tYou always find something in the last place you look.\n"
"Osborn's Law:\n\tVariables won't; constants aren't.\n"
"Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):\n\tThat quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,\n\tor subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you\n\tshould have gotten.\n"
"Miksch's Law:\n\tIf a string has one end, then it has another end.\n"
"Law of Communications:\n\tThe inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications\n\tbetween different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased\n\tarea of misunderstanding.\n"
"Harris's Lament:\n\tAll the good ones are taken.\n"
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them.\n\t\t-- Harry S Truman\n"
"Putt's Law:\n\tTechnology is dominated by two types of people:\n\t Those who understand what they do not manage.\n\t Those who manage what they do not understand.\n"
"First Law of Procrastination:\n\tProcrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility\n\tfor its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who\n\timposed the deadline).\n"
"Fifth Law of Procrastination:\n\tProcrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that\n\tthere is nothing important to do.\n"
"Swipple's Rule of Order:\n\tHe who shouts the loudest has the floor.\n"
"Wiker's Law:\n\tGovernment expands to absorb revenue and then some.\n"
"Gray's Law of Programming:\n\t'←\bn+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same\n\ttime as '←\bn' tasks.\n\nLogg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:\n\t'←\bn+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as '←\bn' trivial tasks.\n"
"Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:\n\tThe first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of\n\tthe time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety\n\tpercent.\n"
"Weinberg's First Law:\n\tProgress is made on alternate Fridays.\n"
"Weinberg's Second Law:\n\tIf builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,\n\tthen the first woodpecker that came along would destroy\n\tcivilization.\n"
"Paulg's Law:\n\tIn America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you\n\tsave.\n"
"Malek's Law:\n\tAny simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.\n"
"Weinberg's Principle:\n\tAn expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping\n\ton to the grand fallacy.\n"
"Barth's Distinction:\n\tThere are two types of people:\tthose who divide people into two\n\ttypes, and those who don't.\n"
"Weiler's Law:\n\tNothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.\n"
"First Law of Socio-Genetics:\n\tCelibacy is not hereditary.\n"
"Beifeld's Principle:\n\tThe probability of a young man meeting a desirable and\n\treceptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when\n\the is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)\n\ta better looking and richer male friend.\n"
"Hartley's Second Law:\n\tNever sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.\n"
"Pardo's First Postulate:\n\tAnything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.\n\nArnold's Addendum:\n\tAnything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in\n\trats.\n"
"Parker's Law:\n\tBeauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.\n"
"Captain Penny's Law:\n\tYou can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of\n\tthe people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.\n"
"Katz' Law:\n\tMan and nations will act rationally when all other\n\tpossibilities have been exhausted.\n"
"Mr. Cole's Axiom:\n\tThe sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the\n\tpopulation is growing.\n"
"Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:\n\tEverybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have\n\tanother drink.\n"
"The Kennedy Constant:\n\tDon't get mad -- get even.\n"
"Canada Bill Jone's Motto:\n\tIt's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.\n\nSupplement:\n\tA .44 magnum beats four aces.\n"
"Jone's Motto:\n\tFriends come and go, but enemies accumulate.\n"
"The Fifth Rule:\n\tYou have taken yourself too seriously.\n"
"Cole's Law:\n\tThinly sliced cabbage.\n"
"Hartley's First Law:\n\tYou can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float\n\ton his back, you've got something.\n"
"Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:\n\tNo man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the\n\tlegislature is in session.\n"
"Churchill's Commentary on Man:\n\tMan will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the\n\ttime he will pick himself up and continue on.\n"
"Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:\n\tA bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.\n"
"Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:\n\tDon't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd\n\tbe out of a job.\n"
"ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.\nMERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-\n\tdoor; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.\n"
"\"He is now rising from affluence to poverty.\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody\nwants to read.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite\nyou. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"But soft you, the fair Ophelia:\nOpe not thy ponderous and marble jaws,\nBut get thee to a nunnery -- go!\n\t\t-- Mark \"The Bard\" Twain\n"
"\t\"I cannot read the fiery letters,\" said Frodo in a quavering\nvoice.\n \t\"No,\" Said Gandalf, \"but I can. The letters are Elvish, of\ncourse, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which\nI will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in\nElven-lore:\n\n\t\"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,\n\tWho'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.\n\tRuler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,\n\tThis is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.\n\tThe Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.\n\tThe Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.\n\tIf broken or busted, it cannot be remade.\n\tIf found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid).\"\n"
"\"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is\nbecause we are not the person involved\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"\"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often\npicturesque liar.\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I\ndidn't know.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"\"...all the modern inconveniences...\"\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"We have met the enemy, and he is us.\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"
"\"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.\"\n\t\t-- William Gilbert\n"
"Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:\n\tAll the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.\n"
"Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:\n\tThe quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the\n\tcork makes when it is popped.\n"
"Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:\n\tThe worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.\n"
"Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:\n\tMilking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that\n\tis possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city\n\tcan never hope to acquire it.\n"
"Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,\nAdvertising wondrous things.\n"
"Angels we have heard on High\nTell us to go out and Buy.\n"
"The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,\n\tWere each of them once a kiddie.\nA child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.\n\tDo I want one? God Forbiddie!\n\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"
"Who made the world I cannot tell;\n'Tis made, and here am I in hell.\nMy hand, though now my knuckles bleed,\nI never soiled with such a deed.\n\n\t\t-- A. E. Housman\n"
"Families, when a child is born\nWant it to be intelligent.\nI, through intelligence,\nHaving wrecked my whole life,\nOnly hope the baby will prove\nIgnorant and stupid.\nThen he will crown a tranquil life\nBy becoming a Cabinet Minister\n\n\t\t-- Su Tung-p'o\n"
"The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his pasion for\nlists of \"Ten Best\".\n\t\t-- H. Allen Smith\n"
"Life is the living you do,\nDeath is the living you don't do.\n\t\t-- Joseph Pintauro\n"
"we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,\nwe will cry over things we used to laugh &\nour new wisdon will bring tears to eyes of gentile\ncreatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &\nin the end a summer with wild winds &\nnew friends will be.\n"
"This is for all ill-treated fellows\n\tUnborn and unbegot,\nFor them to read when they're in trouble\n\tAnd I am not.\n\t\t-- A. E. Housman\n"
"\"Terence, this is stupid stuff:\nYou eat your victuals fast enough;\nThere can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,\nTo see the rate you drink your beer.\nBut oh, good Lord, the verse you make,\nIt gives a chap the belly-ache.\nThe cow, the old cow, she is dead;\nIt sleeps well the horned head:\nWe poor lads, 'tis our turn now\nTo hear such tunes as killed the cow.\nPretty friendship 'tis to rhyme\nYour friends to death before their time.\nMoping, melancholy mad:\nCome, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.\"\n\t\t-- A. E. Housman\n"
"Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the\nSteelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats\nin their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the\nmoon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,\na dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every\nrespect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside\nit, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,\nthen they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they\nchipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem\n"
"When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the\nstars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them\nfrom left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones\nwere set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the\ncorners as bodies of a lower grade...\n\t\t-- Stanislaw Lem\n"
"Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the\nbeginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get\nout, and such as are out wish to get in?\n\t\t-- Ralph Emerson\n"
"The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,\na custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to\nthe contrary, nohow.\n"
"Emersons' Law of Contrariness:\n\tOur chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do\nwhat we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.\n"
"\"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.\nIn fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others\nas it is to invent. (R. Emerson)\"\n\t-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program\n\t (whose author claims, \"Actually, stealing IS easier.\")\n\t [to which I reply, \"You think it's easy for me to\n\t misconstrue all these misquotations?!?\"]\n"
"Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.\n"
"There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of\npaying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.\n"
"A fool must now and then be right by chance.\n"
"\"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple\npie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops\nits head into the shop. \"What! no soap?\" So he died, and she very\nimprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,\nand the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,\nand they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the\ngunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots.\"\n\t\t-- Samuel Foote\n"
"Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person\nreading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,\nnor bizzarre stories, so you may as well go home.\n"
"Arnold's Laws of Documentation:\n\t1) If it should exist, it doesn't.\n\t2) If it does exist, it's out of date.\n\t3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the\n\t first two laws.\n"
"Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:\n\tExperience is directly proportional to the amount of\n\tequipment ruined.\n"
"Boren's Laws:\n\t1) When in charge, ponder.\n\t2) When in trouble, delegate.\n\t3) When in doubt, mumble.\n"
"Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:\n\tWhen things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.\n"
"Rudin's Law:\n\tIf there is a wrong way to do something, most people will\n\tdo it every time.\n"
"Bucy's Law:\n\tNothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.\n"
"Hacker's Law:\n\tThe belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir\n\ta nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.\n"
"Probable-Possible, my black hen,\nShe lays eggs in the Relative When.\nShe doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now\nBecause she's unable to postulate how.\n\t\t-- Frederick Winsor\n"
"Vail's Second Axiom:\n\tThe amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the\n\tamount of work already completed.\n"
"Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off\n"
"\"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm\nthe only ashtray.\"\n"
"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,\n\tHe must be a communist.\nAnd a beard and long hair,\n\tMust be a pacifist.\n\n\tWhat's in that pipe that he's smoking?\n\n\t\t-- Arlo Guthrie\n"
"There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it\n\t\t-- G. B. Shaw\n"
"Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.\n\t\t-- Howard Kandel\n"
"Where there's a will, there's an Inheiritance Tax.\n"
"It is generally agreed that \"Hello\" is an appropriate greeting because\nif you entered a room and said \"Goodbye,\" it could confuse a lot of\npeople.\n\t\t-- Dolph Sharp\n"
"Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly\nthrust into somebody's pocket.\n"
"You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for\nfreedom and liberty.\n\t\t-- Henrick Ibson\n"
"Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...\nby leaving it out.\n"
"Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"
"I like work...\nI can sit and watch it for ours.\n"
"Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.\n"
"\"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as\nwe could with both of them.\"\n\t\t-- Major Major's father\n"
"Crime does not pay...as well as politics.\n\t\t-- A. E. Newman\n"
"Keep you Eye on the Ball,\nYour Shoulder to the Wheel,\nYour Nose to the Grindstone,\nYour Feet on the Ground,\nYour Head on your Shoulders.\nNow...try to get something DONE!\n"
"Love is a word that is constantly heard,\nHate is a word that is not.\nLove, I am told, is more precious than gold.\nLove, I have read, is hot.\nBut hate is the verb that to me is superb,\nAnd Love but a drug on the mart.\nAny kiddie in school can love like a fool,\nBut Hating, my boy, is an Art.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"
"Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it\nmight be taught to talk.\n"
"Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,\nthere lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he\nwas so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how\ncompletely Mournful he would be on Wednesday...\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"
"Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by\nJackasses.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"
"Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two\nperiods of fighting.\n"
"NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he\n\tsays is wrong.\nGUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says\n\twill be right.\n\t\t-- G. B. Shaw\n"
"People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't\n\twhat the want the they don't want it.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"
"Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.\n"
"A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I\nbelieve everything positively stinks.\n\t\t-- Lew Col\n"
"Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely\nget your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your\nface.\n"
"Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than\nbeing flat broke and having a stomach ache.\n\t\t-- Dolph Sharp\n"
"The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100\nshowed that all had these things in common:\n\t1) They all had moderate appetites.\n\t2) They all came from middle class homes\n\t3) All but two of them were dead.\n"
"Children aren't happy without something to ignore,\nAnd that's what parents were created for.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"
"Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny --\n\tDid you ever try buying then without money?\n\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"
"Confucius say too much.\n\t\t-- Recent Chinese Proverb\n"
"Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with\na tempest of words.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"Fats Loves Madelyn\n"
"Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.\n\t\t-- W. C. Fields\n"
"\"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!\"\n\t\t-- W. C. Fields\n"
"A dozen, a gross, and a score,\nPlus three times the square root of four,\n\tDivided by seven,\n\tPlus five time eleven,\nEquals nine squared plus zero, no more.\n"
"Who's on first?\n"
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on\nsociety.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best\nfriends are trying to kill us.\n"
"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?\n\t\t-- Art Hoppe\n"
"The Killer Ducks are coming!!!\n"
"\t\"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble\nacturiety and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an\nexaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good phil-\nosophy...neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.\n"
"There's little in taking or giving,\n There's little in water or wine:\nThis living, this living, this living,\n Was never a project of mine.\nOh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is\n The gain of the one at the top,\nFor art is a form of catharsis,\n And love is a permanent flop,\nAnd work is the province of cattle,\n And rest's for a clam in a shell,\nSo I'm thinking of throwing the battle --\n Would you kindly direct me to hell?\n\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"
"\"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,\nregardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling\nkeys...\"\n"
"The ladies men admire, I've heard,\nWould shudder at a wicked word.\nTheir candle gives a single light;\nThey'd rather stay at home at night.\nThey do not keep awake till three,\nNor read erotic poetry.\nThey never sanction the impure,\nNor recognize an overture.\nThey shrink from powders and from paints...\nSo far, I've had no complaints.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"
"\tTHEORY\nInto love and out again,\n Thus I went and thus I go.\nSpare your voice, and hold your pen:\n Well and bitterly I know\nAll the songs were ever sung,\n All the words were ever said;\nCould it be, when I was young,\n Someone dropped me on my head?\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"
"My own dear love, he is strong and bold\n And he cares not what comes after.\nHis words ring sweet as a chime of gold,\n And his eyes are lit with laughter.\nHe is jubilant as a flag unfurled --\n Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.\nMy own dear love, he is all my world --\n And I wish I'd never met him.\n"
"My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,\n And a wild young wood-thing bore him!\nThe ways are fair to his roaming feet,\n And the skies are sunlit for him.\nAs sharply sweet to my heart he seems\n As the fragrance of acacia.\nMy own dear love, he is all my dreams --\n And I wish he were in Asia.\n"
"My love runs by like a day in June,\n And he makes no friends of sorrows.\nHe'll tread his galloping rigadoon\n In the pathway or the morrows.\nHe'll live his days where the sunbeams start\n Nor could storm or wind uproot him.\nMy own dear love, he is all my heart --\n And I wish somebody'd shoot him.\n"
"Here in my heart, I am Helen;\n I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.\nI'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta\"\bel;\n I'm Salome, moon of the East.\n\nHere in my soul I am Sappho;\n Lady Hamilton am I, as well.\nIn me R'\becamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,\n With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.\n\nI'm all of the glamorous ladies\n At whose beckoning history shook.\nBut you are a man, and see only my pan,\n So I stay at home with a book.\n\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"
"If I don't drive around the park,\nI'm pretty sure to make my mark.\nIf I'm in bed each night by ten,\nI may get back my looks again.\nIf I abstain from fun and such,\nI'll probably amount to much;\nBut I shall stay the way I am,\nBecause I do not give a damn.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"
"\tFIGHTING WORDS\nSay my love is easy had,\n Say I'm bitten raw with pride,\nSay I am too often sad --\n Still behold me at your side.\n\nSay I'm neither brave nor young,\n Say I woo and coddle care,\nSay the devil touched my tongue --\n Still you have my heart to wear.\n\nBut say my verses do not scan,\n And I get me another man!\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"
"\tCOMMENT\nOh, life is a glorious cycle of song,\nA medly of extemporanea;\nAnd love is thing that can never go wrong;\nAnd I am Marie of Roumania.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"
"\tINVENTORY\nFour be the things I am wiser to know:\nIdleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.\n\nFour be the things I'd been better without:\nLove, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.\n\nThree be the things I shall never attain:\nEnvy, content, and sufficient champagne.\n\nThree be the things I shall have till I die:\nLaughter and hope and a sock in the eye.\n"
"The Abrams' Principle:\n\tThe shortest distance between two points is off the wall.\n"
"\"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...\"\n"
"\"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.\"\n"
"Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known\nas Wheels.\n"
"Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.\n"
"He who Laughs, Lasts.\n"
"Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.\n"
"Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the\npens will multiply instead of disappear.\n"
"\"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,\nbut I couldn't give up becuase by that time I was too famous.\"\n"
"Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.\n"
"To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.\n"
"Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.\n\t\t-- Mae West\n"
"Famous last words:\n"
"You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.\n"
"Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own\nopinion.\n"
"Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying\nhimself a pleasure.\n"
"A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,\nand especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not\nwell enough to lend to.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to\nourselves.\n"
"Adore: To venerate expectantly.\n"
"Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have\ntheir hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot\nseparately plunder a third.\n"
"Alone: In bad company.\n"
"Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a\nleft.\n"
"God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.\n"
"Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already\nsufficiently slippery.\n"
"Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for\ngetting drunk.\n"
"Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather\nwe are having.\n"
"Her locks an ancient lady gave\nHer loving husband's life to save;\nAnd men -- they honored so the dame --\nUpon some stars bestowed her name.\n\nBut to our modern married fair,\nWho'd give their lords to save their hair,\nNo stellar recognition's given.\nThere are not stars enough in heaven.\n"
"Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.\n"
"Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.\n"
"Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.\n"
"In our civilization, and under our republican form of governemnt,\nintelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption\nfrom the cares of office.\n"
"Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as\na man's head.\n"
"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --\n\"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.\"\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries\nto please him.\n"
"Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.\n"
"Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side\nit is buttered on.\n"
"Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.\n"
"A lady with one of her ears applied\nTo an open keyhole heard, inside,\nTwo female gossips in converse free --\nThe subject engaging them was she.\n\"I think\", said one, \"and my husband thinks\nThat she's a prying, inquisitive minx!\"\nAs soon as no more of it she could hear\nThe lady, indignant, removed her ear.\n\"I will not stay,\" she said with a pout,\n\"To hear my character lied about!\"\n\t\t-- Gopete Sherany\n"
"Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.\n"
"While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are\nsafe, for you can watch both of his.\n"
"Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her\nstockings and desolating the country.\n"
"Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery\nof another.\n"
"Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's\nsuperiority.\n"
"Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of\ntheir personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you\nexpound your own.\n"
"Did you know that clones never use mirrors?\n"
"Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half\ngriffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and\nhalf eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter\neagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of\nzoology is full of surprises.\n"
"There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,\nand praiseworthy...\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"Please ignore previous fortune.\n"
"Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from\nespousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two\nconflicting opinions.\n"
"\t...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can\neasily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed\nand were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)\nupon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was\nwithout a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based\non it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court\nwas ever more thouroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and\nsorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,\nhuman testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"Incumbent: Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents.\n"
"Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to\nunderstand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to\nthe interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.\n"
"There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.\n\t\t-- Disraeli\n"
"You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.\n\t\t-- J. D. Salinger\n"
"Please take note:\n"
"\"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.\"\n\t\t-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston\n"
"Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.\nViolators will be prosecuted.\n(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))\n"
"You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.\n\t\t-- Alfred Kahn\n"
"gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and\nalso free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to each\nother and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two\nmutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the\nother when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus\noffers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any\ntorque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.\n\t\t-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary\n"
"Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.\n"
"The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.\nThe goal of nature is to build better mice.\n"
"Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why\nyou should.\n"
"United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the\nChristmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of\nall the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of\nall the patriots of every persuasion.\n\tMeanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low\nover the world.\n\t\t-- Isaac Asimov\n"
"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into\nsuperstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.\n\t\t-- G. B. Shaw\n"
"Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made\nsense from things she found in gift shops.\n\t\t-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.\n"
"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for\nword what you shouldn't have said.\n"
"Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as\nit was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.\n"
"If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four\ntellers?\n"
"Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?\n"
"Friends, Romans, Hipsters,\nLet me clue you in;\nI come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.\nThe square kicks some cats are on stay with them;\nThe hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus\nGave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;\nIf that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,\nAnd, like, old Caeser really set them straight.\nHere, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;\nSo are they all, all cool cats, --\nCome I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.\n"
"Now I lay me down to sleep\nI pray the double lock will keep;\nMay no brick through the window break, \nAnd, no one rob me till I awake.\n"
"Did you know...\n\nThat no-one ever reads these things?\n"
"Hark,Hark,the dogs do bark\nThe Duke is fond of kittens\nHe likes to take their insides out\nAnd use them for his mittens\n\tFrom \"The thirteen clocks\"\n"
"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.\n"
"f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.\n"
"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard\n\t\t-- Prof. Steiner\n"
"\"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.\"\n\t\t-- Ashleigh Brilliant\n"
"\"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.\"\n\t\t-- Ashleigh Brilliant\n"
"Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no\nguarantee of eventual success.\n"
"\"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called\nYorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that\nwere good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST...\"\n"
"\t...But among the children of the Great Society there were\nthose whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,\nand of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...\n\tNow it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and\nthey called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, \"Let my\npeople go to the front of the bus.\"\n\tBut Pharaoh answered: \"In the fullness of time and with all\ndeliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove\nyourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like\nunto a snowball in Hell.\"\n"
"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION\n"
"$3,000,000\n"
"It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the\nproblem.\n"
"77. HO HUM -- The Redundant\n\n------- (7)\tThis hexagram refers to a situation of extreme\n--- --- (8)\tboredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife\n------- (7)\tsmells bad. Your children have hives. you are working\n---O--- (6)\ton an accounting system, when you want to develop\n---X--- (9)\tthe GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates\n--- --- (8)\tto nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.\n\nNine in the second place means:\n\tThe yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.\n\nSix in the third place means:\n\tIn former times men built altars to honor the Internal\n\tRevenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!\n"
"Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name\ncorrectly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into\n(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but\nAmericans call him by value.\n"
"The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine\nincreases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.\n"
"If you push the \"extra ice\" button on the soft drink vending machine,\nyou won't get any ice. If you push the \"no ice\" button, you'll get\nice, but no cup.\n"
"Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.\n"
"Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.\n"
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.\n"
"Those who can't write, write manuals.\n"
"Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type\nin your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving\nthe room is punishable under law:\n\nName\t#\n"
"You might have mail\n"
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.\n"
"Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.\n"
"Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.\n"
"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.\n"
"Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.\n"
"Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only\ntake a bath...\n"
"\"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both\neyes...\"\n"
"It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the\nflag.\n"
"Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to\navoid responsibility with?\n"
"SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!\nPOP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!\n"
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the\naverage man can see better than he can think.\n"
"The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish\nchild, was propounded to me by my father:\n \"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?\"\n I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity\ngave up.\n \"A herring,\" said my father.\n \"A herring,\" I echoed. \"A herring doesn't hang on the wall!\"\n \"So hang it there.\"\n \"But a herring isn't green!\" I protested.\n \"Paint it.\"\n \"But a herring isn't wet.\"\n \"If its just painted its still wet.\"\n \"But -- \" I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, \"-- a herring\ndoesn't whistle!!\"\n \"Right, \" smiled my father. \"I just put that in to make it hard.\"\n\t\t-- Leo Rosten\n"
"\"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.\"\n\t\t-- Yiddish saying\n"
"Waiter:\t\"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?\"\n1st customer: \"I'll have tea.\"\n2nd customer: \"Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!\"\n\t(Waiter exits, returns)\nWaiter: \"Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?\"\n"
"\tOn his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in\nreceipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's\nincome was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than\n$283 on the desk before the cashier.\n\t\"Eckstein!\" exclaimed the cashier. \"This is fantastic. That\nroute never brought in money like this! What happened?\"\n\t\"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured\nbusiness would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and\nworked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!\"\n"
"The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz\nsaid, \"Life is like a bowl of sour cream.\"\n \"Like a bowl of sour cream?\" asked the other. \"Why?\"\n \"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?\"\n"
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on\npeople.\n\t\t-- W. C. Fields\n"
"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale\nreturns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget\nit.\n"
"Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a\nchange.\n"
"Beware of low-flying butterflies.\n"
"Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic\ntickets.\n"
"Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.\n"
"Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.\n"
"Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a\nthing he tells you.\n"
"Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.\n"
"You may be recognized soon. Hide.\n"
"You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot\ntoday.\n"
"Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.\n"
"Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.\n"
"You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first\nand last month in advance.\n"
"Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.\n"
"You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.\n"
"Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.\n"
"Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.\n"
"Don't feed the bats tonight.\n"
"Stay away from flying saucers today.\n"
"You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.\n"
"Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.\n"
"Help a swallow land at Capistrano.\n"
"Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.\n"
"Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)\n"
"Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.\n"
"Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.\n"
"Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.\n"
"Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.\n"
"Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so\nget used to it.\n"
"Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)\n"
"Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.\n"
"Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.\n"
"You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior\nexecutive.\n"
"Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.\n"
"Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.\n"
"Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the\ncomputer crashes.\n"
"Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.\n"
"Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to\na new town.\n"
"If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens\ntomorrow!\n"
"Excellent day to have a rotten day.\n"
"You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough\nto worry.\n"
"Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.\n"
"Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your\nnails.\n"
"Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.\n"
"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.\n"
"Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as\nthey ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out\na cynic's eyes to improve his vision.\n"
"Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery\nof another.\n"
"Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is\nthey charge fifteen cents for them.\n"
"Question:\nMan Invented Alcohol,\nGod Invented Grass.\nWho do you trust?\n"
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up\nin the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.\n"
"You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.\n"
"Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which\notherwise require harder thinking.\n\t\t-- Jerome Lettvin\n"
"Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop\nwriting.\n\t\t-- R. Geis\n"
"Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to\ncriticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.\n\t\t-- D. J. Hicks\n"
"The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: \"Of course it is\nnone of my business, but --\" is to place a period after the word \"but.\"\nDon't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.\nCutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you\ntalked about.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"
"What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?\n\t\t-- Peter S. Beagle\n"
"If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.\n"
"According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are\ntotally worthless.\n"
"Wasting time is an important part of living.\n"
"Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders\nhas been discontinued.\n"
"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday\nlife.\n"
"Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.\n"
"Excellent time to become a missing person.\n"
"A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?\n"
"Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.\n"
"Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.\n"
"Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.\n"
"Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.\n"
"Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.\n"
"Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.\n"
"Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.\n"
"You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.\n"
"Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live\nin eucalyptus trees.\n"
"Surprise due today. Also the rent.\n"
"Avoid reality at all costs.\n"
"Good day to let down old friends who need help.\n"
"Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't\nhave a lucky day this year.\n"
"You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading\nthis sort of trash.\n"
"What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.\n"
"Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.\n"
"Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.\n"
"Stay away from hurricanes for a while.\n"
"A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.\nAvoid him. He's a Commie.\n"
"\tThe seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood\nas he reported to Fafhrd: \"I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.\nThe Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in\nthe palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in\ntwenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.\n\n\t\"Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached\neverywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a\nfierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one\n-- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city.\"\n\n\t\"How?\" demanded Fafhrd.\n\n\tNingauble shrugged. \"You're a hero. You should know.\"\n\n\t\t-- Fritz Leiber, from \"The Swords of Lankhmar\"\n"
"I really hate this damned machine\nI wish that they would sell it.\nIt never does quite what I want\nBut only what I tell it.\n"
"Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.\n"
"Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.\n"
"Nihilism should commence with oneself.\n"
"Vote anarchist\n"
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.\n"
"Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.\n"
"Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.\n"
"Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.\n"
"UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.\n"
"In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools\nwill be temporarily cancelled.\n"
"Drive defensively. Buy a tank.\n"
"Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting\nfor a dial tone.\n"
"The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.\n"
"Condense soup, not books!\n"
"The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!\n"
"Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to\nexciting Camden, New Jersy.\n"
"Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.\n"
"Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.\n"
"Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.\n"
"Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.\n"
"Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.\n"
"Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.\n"
"What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!\n"
"Hire the morally handicapped.\n"
"I can resist anything but temptation.\n"
"Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.\n"
"Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.\n"
"Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.\n"
"Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.\n"
"Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of\n\tWestern Civilization?\nGandhi: I think it would be a good idea.\n"
"Xerox never comes up with anything original.\n"
"Acid -- better living through chemistry.\n"
"\"All flesh is grass\"\n -- Isiah\nSmoke a friend today.\n"
"\"You'll never be the man your mother was!\"\n"
"George Orwell was an optimist.\n"
"Chicken Little was right.\n"
"\"Qvid me anxivs svm?\"\n"
"Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.\n"
"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.\n"
"Cleveland still lives. God ←\bm←\bu←\bs←\bt be dead.\n"
"Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!\n"
"They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!\n"
"Hail to the sun god\nHe sure is a fun god\nRa! Ra! Ra!\n"
"Brain fried -- Core dumped\n"
"Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.\n"
"Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at\nonce.\n"
"If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger\nhands.\n"
"What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.\n"
"Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying \"BOOGA, BOOGA!\"\n"
"A closed mouth gathers no foot.\n"
"A diva who specializes in risqu'\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano...\n"
"Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?\nA: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.\n"
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.\n\t\t-- Salvor Hardin\n"
"\"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new\nTriple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...\"\n"
"\"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away\nfrom the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone\nloaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.\"\n"
"If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?\n"
"Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.\n"
"Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down\n"
"Down with categorical imperative!\n"
"Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends\n"
"Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.\n"
"Things are more like they used to be than they are now.\n"
"Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.\n"
"Lysistrata had a good idea.\n"
"Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.\n"
"Paul Revere was a tattle-tale\n"
"Familiarity breeds attempt\n"
"Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and\nvisible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite\nbomb.\n"
"Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.\n"
"Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long\nwalk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They\nthen point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy\nhealth and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,\nnot because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find\nonly robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the\nothers who have tried it.\n"
"Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human\naffairs has always been dominant and controlling.\n"
"Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative\nbodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, \"the\nhonorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.\"\n"
"Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.\n"
"God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days\nand then pulled an all-nighter.\n"
"God is a polythiest\n"
"God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.\n"
"If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?\n"
"\t\"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?\"\nasked the father of his little son.\n\t\"Diet.\"\n"
"Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to\nourselves.\n"
"Death: to stop sinning suddenly.\n"
"\"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you\nout of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.\"\n"
"Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes\nto work.\n"
"\"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.\"\n"
"The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up\nat the steam fitters' picnic.\n"
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not\ncertain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"
"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.\n\t\t-- R. Geis\n"
"\t\"Contrariwise,\" continued Tweedledee, \"if it was so, it might\nbe, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's\nlogic!\"\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll\n"
"It is the business of the future to be dangerous.\n\t\t-- Hawkwind\n"
"The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.\n"
"There was a young poet named Dan,\nWhose poetry never would scan.\n\tWhen told this was so,\n\tHe said, \"Yes, I know.\nIt's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can.\"\n"
"A limerick packs laughs anatomical\nInto space that is quite economical.\n\tBut the good ones I've seen\n\tSo seldom are clean,\nAnd the clean ones so seldom are comical.\n"
"\"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.\"\n"
"\"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from\nPresidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...\"\n"
"\"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?\"\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"
"God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's\n"
"\"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.\"\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"
"If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied\nharder.\n\t\t-- Pope John Paul I\n"
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn\nwhat it is I'll get married again.\n\t\t-- Clint Eastwood\n"
"Flappity, floppity, flip\nThe mouse on the m\"\bobius strip;\n\tThe strip revolved,\n\tThe mouse dissolved\nIn a chronodimensional skip.\n"
"...And malt does more than Milton can\nto justify God's ways to man\n\t -- A. E. Housman\n"
"WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE\n\n\tOh, dear, where can the matter be\n\tWhen it's converted to energy?\n\tThere is a slight loss of parity.\n\tJohnny's so long at the fair.\n"
"PLUNDERER'S THEME\n(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)\n\nPillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.\nIf you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.\nKill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.\nPillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.\n"
"IBM had a PL/I,\n\tIts syntax worse than JOSS;\nAnd everywhere this language went,\n\tIt was a total loss.\n"
"System/3! System/3!\nSee how it runs! See how it runs!\n\tIts monitor loses so totally!\n\tIt runs all its programs in RPG!\n\tIt's made by our favorite monopoly!\nSystem/3!\n"
"As I was passing Project MAC,\nI met a Quux with seven hacks.\nEvery hack had seven bugs;\nEvery bug had seven manifestations;\nEvery manifestation had seven symptoms.\nSymptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,\nHow many losses at Project MAC?\n"
"Reclaimer, spare that tree!\nTake not a single bit!\nIt used to point to me,\nNow I'm protecting it.\nIt was the reader's CONS\nThat made it, paired by dot;\nNow, GC, for the nonce,\nThou shalt reclaim it not.\n"
"99 blocks of crud on the disk,\n99 blocks of crud!\nYou patch a bug, and dump it again:\n100 blocks of crud on the disk!\n\n100 blocks of crud on the disk,\n100 blocks of crud!\nYou patch a bug, and dump it again:\n101 blocks of crud on the disk!...\n"
"'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks\nDid gyre and gimble in their cave\nAll mimsy was the CS-VAX\nAnd Cory raths outgrave.\n\n\"Beware the software rot, my son!\nThe faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!\nBeware the broken pipe, and shun\nThe frumious system crash!\"\n"
"Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:\n\tYou see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.\n\tYou pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los\n\tAngeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly\n\tthe same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.\n\tThe only difference is that there is no cat.\n"
"THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES\n\tThe one who has the gold makes the rules.\n"
"If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances\nare 50-50 it will.\n"
"\t\"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on\nthe basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an\ninfinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric\nprecisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from\ninconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical\naccuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality\nfor the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly\ndefenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the\ninformation in the first place.\"\n\n\t\t-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine\n"
"A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive\n"
"Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of\nbody is better.\n\t\t-- Foolish Dictionary\n"
"Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.\n"
"Accuracy: The vice of being right\n"
"\"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from\ncoughing.\"\n"
"Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.\n"
"Adult: One old enough to know better.\n"
"Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper\n\t\t-- Thomas Jefferson\n"
"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad\nexample.\n\t\t-- La Rouchefoucauld\n"
"Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted\nthe morning.\n"
"Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of\nthem keeps paying for it.\n\t\t-- Peggy Joyce\n"
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.\n\t\t-- Charlie McCarthy\n"
"America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism\nto decadence without touching civilization.\n\t\t-- John O'Hara\n"
"\"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels\".\n\t\t-- A Chinese child\n"
"Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.\n"
"Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your\nshoes.\n\t\t-- Mickey Mouse\n"
"Ass: The masculine of \"lass\".\n"
"Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down\npedestrians.\n"
"A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no\nresponsibility at the other.\n"
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman\nout of a divorce.\n\t\t-- Don Quinn\n"
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining\nand wants it back the minute it begins to rain.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"Boy: A noise with dirt on it.\n"
"Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.\n"
"A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well\nas afterward.\n"
"California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.\n\t\t-- Fred Allen\n"
"A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the\npoor to protect them from each other.\n"
"Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every\neffort to teach them good manners.\n"
"Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.\n"
"Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of\ntobacco in between.\n"
"A city is a large community where people are lonesome together\n\t\t-- Herbert Prochnow\n"
"\"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live\nelsewhere.\"\n"
"Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption\nthat the other fellow can spell.\n"
"College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the\nfaculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if\nthe trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,\nlegs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the\nloss to humanity.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"
"Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his\nbreath is called the listener.\n"
"\"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth\nCorner, Vermont.\"\n\t\t-- Clarence Darrow\n"
"The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to\neat.\n\t\t-- John McNulty\n"
"Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.\n"
"Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the\nincompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.\n\t\t-- G. B. Shaw\n"
"Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder\naloud what the country could do under first-class management.\n\t\t-- Senator Soaper\n"
"Die: To stop sinning suddenly.\n\t\t-- Elbert Hubbard\n"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying \"nice doggy\" until you can find a rock.\n"
"A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a\nfur coat.\n"
"Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain\nof being a damned fool.\n\t\t-- Bellamy Brooks\n"
"Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.\n"
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a\nmistake when you make it again.\n\t\t-- F. P. Jones\n"
"\"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an\nhour!\"\n\t\t-- Macy's\n"
"Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.\n"
"Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic\nwithout looking to see whether the seeds move.\n"
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it\nevery six months.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"
"We wish you a Hare Krishna\nWe wish you a Hare Krishna\nWe wish you a Hare Krishna\nAnd a Sun Myung Moon!\n\n\t\t-- Maxwell Smart\n"
"If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.\n"
"There was a young lady from Hyde\nWho ate a green apple and died.\n\tWhile her lover lamented\n\tThe apple fermented\nAnd made cider inside her inside.\n"
"If I traveled to the end of the rainbow\nAs Dame Fortune did intend,\nMurphy would be there to tell me\nThe pot's at the other end.\n\t\t-- Bert Whitney\n"
"Silverman's Law:\n\tIf Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will\n"
"Hindsight is an exact science.\n"
"Ducharme's Precept:\n\tOpportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment\n"
"If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.\n"
"Naeser's Law:\n\tYou can make it foolproof, but you can't make it\n\tdamnfoolproof.\n"
"If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If\nthe weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the\nbulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will\nexceed all expectations.\n\t\t-- Reverend Chichester\n"
"The Third Law of Photography:\n\tIf you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined\n\twhen someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of\n\tthe dark leaks out.\n"
"Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:\n\tIf an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented\n\tit wasn't worth doing.\n"
"Conway's Law:\n\tIn any organization there will always be one person who knows\n\twhat is going on.\n\n\tThis person must be fired.\n"
"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.\n"
"Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then\ngive it back to them.\n"
"There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be\ndoing.\n"
"Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the\nmail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the\nBoss is reading it.\n"
"Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving\nfrom where you left them to where you can't find them.\n"
"DeVries' Dilemma:\n\tIf you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want\n\thits the paper.\n"
"When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.\n"
"Finagle's Creed:\n\tScience is true. Don't be misled by facts.\n"
"Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:\n\t1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only\n\t once.\n\t2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data\n\t points.\n"
"Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention\n\tUnless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will\n\treject the proposal.\n"
"Jones' First Law:\n\tAnyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of\n\tendeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an\n\tobstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the\n\timportance of their original contribution.\n"
"Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming\n\tNever test for an error condition you don't know how to\n\thandle.\n"
"When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you\nmodify the problem, not the remedy.\n"
"Horngren's Observation:\n\tAmong economists, the real world is often a special case.\n"
"First Rule of History:\n\tHistory doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each\n\tother.\n"
"Hanlon's Razor:\n\tNever attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by\n\tstupidity.\n"
"Fourth Law of Applied Terror:\n\tThe night before the English History mid-term, your Biology\n\tinstructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.\nCorollary:\n\tEvery instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do\n\texcept study for that instructor's course.\n"
"Fifth Law of Applied Terror:\n\tIf you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.\nCorollary:\n\tIf you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you\n\tlive.\n"
"Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he\nknows what it is.\n"
"Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.\n"
"Anything labeled \"NEW\" and/or \"IMPROVED\" isn't. The label means the\nprice went up. The label \"ALL NEW\", \"COMPLETELY NEW\", or \"GREAT NEW\"\nmeans the price went way up.\n"
"McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:\n\tIf an item is advertised as \"under $50\", you can bet it's not\n\t$19.95.\n"
"Van Roy's Law:\n\tAn unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.\n"
"How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're\non.\n"
"Arthur's Laws of Love:\n\t1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you\n\t remind them of someone else.\n\t2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will\n\t be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool\n\t of yourself in person.\n"
"Colvard's Logical Premises:\n\tAll probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or\n\tit won't.\nColvard's Unconscionable Commentary:\n\tThis is especially true when dealing with someone you're\n\tattracted to.\nGrelb's Commentary\n\tLikelihoods, however, are 90% against you.\n"
"Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:\n\tSuperiority is recessive.\n"
"Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too\nbusy worrying over what you are thinking about them.\n"
"Ducharm's Axiom:\n\tIf you view your problem closely enough you will recognize\n\tyourself as part of the problem.\n"
"A Law of Computer Programming:\n\tMake it possible for programmers to write in English and you\n\twill find the programmers cannot write in English.\n"
"Turnaucka's Law:\n\tThe attention span of a computer is only as long as its\n\telectrical cord.\n"
"One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they\nnever have to stop and answer the phone.\n"
"Bradley's Bromide:\n\tIf computers get too powerful, we can orgranize them into a\n\tcommittee -- that will do them in.\n"
"At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will\nfind at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on\nthe computer.\n"
"If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But\nthis garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is\nsomehow enobled and none dare criticize it.\n"
"Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.\n"
"Eleanor Rigby\nSits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen\nLives in a dream\nWaits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more.\nWhat is it for?\nAll the lonely users, where do they all come from?\nAll the lonely users, why does it take so long?\n"
"The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because\nit isn't here.\n\t\t-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)\n"
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.\n\t\t-- Groucho Marx\n"
"Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.\n\t\t-- Adlai Stevenson\n"
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest\nin students.\n\t\t-- John Ciardi\n"
"The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided\nby the number of people in the group.\n"
"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.\n\t\t-- Jules de Gaultier\n"
"Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of\nindigestion.\n"
"Justice: A decision in your favor.\n"
"Kin: An affliction of the blood\n"
"Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered\nto date.\n"
"Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the\nworld has ever seen.\n"
"Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.\n"
"Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.\n"
"Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called\nupon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"
"Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of\n"
"\"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start\nwith a large fortune.\"\n"
"Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.\n\t\t-- Ambrose Bierce\n"
"The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the\npoor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal\nbread.\n\t\t-- Anatole France\n"
"BLISS is ignorance\n"
"MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)\n\n Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie\t36 RITZ Crackers\n2 cups water\t\t\t\t 2 cups sugar\n2 teaspoons cream of tartar\t\t 2 tablespoons lemon juice\n Grated rind of one lemon\t\t Butter or margarine\n Cinnamon\n\nRoll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break\nRITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar\nand cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon\njuice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously\nwith butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top\ncrust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let\nsteam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust\nis crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.\n\n\t\t-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box\n"
"God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh\n"
"The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:\n\tTo determine how long it will take to write and debug a\n\tprogram, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add\n\tone, and convert to the next higher units.\n"
"Predestination was doomed from the start.\n"
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and\nit holds the universe together...\n\t\t-- Carl Zwanzig\n"
"Xerox does it again and again and again and ...\n"
"Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.\n"
"Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.\n"
"Love is sentimental measles.\n"
"Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find\nthere is nothing in it.\n"
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you\nreally make them think they'll hate you.\n"
"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do\nwas to go away.\n"
"If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are\nheaded.\n"
"\"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us\nsane.\"\n"
"\"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is\nmake the rubble bounce\"\n\t\t-- Winston Churchill\n"
"But scientists, who ought to know\nAssure us that it must be so.\nOh, let us never, never doubt\nWhat nobody is sure about.\n\t\t-- Hilaire Belloc\n"
"The three laws of thermodynamics:\n\nThe first law: \tYou can't get anything without working for it.\nThe second law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.\nThe third law: You can only break even at absolute zero.\n"
"Famous last words:\n\tDon't worry, I can handle it.\n\tYou and what army?\n\tIf you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop.\n"
"Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.\n\tThy programs run, thy syscalls done,\n\tin kernel as it is in user!\n"
"Nothing is faster than the speed of light...\n\nTo prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before\nthe light comes on.\n"
"AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)\n\tYou have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.\nYou lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be\ncareless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over\nand over again. People think you are stupid.\n"
"PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)\n\tYou have a vivid imagination and often think you are being\nfollowed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your\nassociates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack\nconfidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible\nthings to small animals.\n"
"ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)\n\tYou are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You\nare quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not\nvery nice.\n"
"TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)\n\tYou are practical and persistent. You have a dogged\ndetermination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn\nand bull headed. You are a Communist.\n"
"GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)\n\tYou are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you\nbecause you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much\nfor too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for\ncommitting incest.\n"
"CANCER (June 21 - July 22)\n\tYou are sympathetic and understanding to other people's\nproblems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things\noff. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare\nrecipients are Cancer people.\n"
"LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)\n\tYou consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are\npushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest\ncriticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.\n"
"VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)\n\tYou are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is\nsickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes\nfall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.\n"
"LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)\n\tYou are the artistic type and have a difficult time with\nreality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for\nemployment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are\nprostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.\n"
"SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)\n\tYou are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will\nachieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.\nMost Scorpio people are murdered.\n"
"SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)\n\tYou are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless\ntendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of\nSagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a\ngreat deal.\n"
"CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)\n\tYou are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do\nmuch of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any\nimportance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as\nthey take root and become trees.\n"
"Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in\nSan Francisco?\nA: Both of them.\n"
"San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.\n"
"Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.\n"
"\tA doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing\nabout whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their\narguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon\nthe doctor said, \"The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because\nEve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply\nincredible surgical feat.\"\n\tThe architect did not agree. He said, \"But if you look at the\nGarden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of\nthat, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an\narchitect.\"\n\tThe computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,\n\"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?\"\n"
"Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no\ngovernment at all. \n"
"Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes\nOf hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;\nLess dear than army ants in apple pies\nArt thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,\nDropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;\nLike honeybees upon the perfum'd rose\nThey suck, and like the double-breasted suit\nAre out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,\nGo fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;\nAnd stem the produce of they waspish wits:\nThy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;\nThy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.\nBe off, I say; go bug somebody new,\nScram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.\n"
"Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?\n"
"\tWhenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the\nlast you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of\nhis atlantic with his verb in his mouth.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"\tWhen two people are under the influence of the most violent,\nmost insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are\nrequired to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and\nexhausting condition continuously until death do them part.\n\t\t-- George Bernard Shaw\n"
"The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie\nPhilbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said\nto make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his\ndecision to attend Cal, \"I'm in it for the free ride.\"\n"
"Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng.\n130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on\nhis exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's\nearned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%\n"
"\"Now is the time for all good men to come to.\"\n\t\t-- Walt Kelly\n"
"Laetrile is the pits\n"
"Got Mole problems? \nCall Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23\n"
"There's no future in time travel\n"
"Vitamin C deficiency is apauling\n"
"Time flies like an arrow\nFruit flies like a banana\n"
"Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.\n"
"Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.\n"
"\"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!\"\n"
"But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the\nsystem, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,\nanalyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.\n\t\t-- Bruce Leverett\n\t\t \"Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers\"\n"
"Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check\nthree friends. If they're ok, you're it.\n"
"\tBrian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.\nUnlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor\nany of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.\nRather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant \"?\" lights up in the\ncenter of the dashboard. \"The experienced driver\", he says, \"will\nusually know what's wrong.\"\n"
"FROBNICATE, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from\n FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying \"to\n frob a frob\". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and\n TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes\n aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a\n coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If\n someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully\n adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it\n but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's\n just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.\n"
"USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.\n"
"Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it,\nwhich means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three\nfull days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.\n"
"Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the\nworst vegetable of next year.\n"
"Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the\nlittle colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will\nnow be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.\nAccording to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.\n"
"Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lines are the\nshortest, though.\n"
"There once was a girl named Irene\nWho lived on distilled kerosene\n\tBut she started absorbin'\n\tA new hydrocarbon\nAnd since then has never benzene.\n"
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus\nhandicapped.\n\t\t-- Elbert Hubbard\n"
"Computer programmers do it byte by byte\n"
"\"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but\nWorld War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.\"\n\t\t-- Albert Einstein\n"
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.\n\t\t-- Eleanor Roosevelt\n"
"I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts\n"
"What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.\n"
"This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88\n"
"\"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.\"\n\t\t-- Bill Hoest\n"
"Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those\nCalifornians trying to share the experience.\n"
"Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.\n"
"She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could\nhave poured on a waffle.\n"
"He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.\n"
"People will buy anything that's one to a customer.\n"
"It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.\n"
"How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.\n"
"The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I\nhope I don't get run over again.\n"
"What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.\n"
"Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.\n"
"Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for\ntheir destitution of conscience.\n"
"Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove\nhimself from the sphere of exaction.\n"
"You will be surprised by a loud noise.\n"
"Eli and Bessie went to sleep. In the middle of the night, Bessie\nnudged Eli. \"Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold\noutside!\" Half asleep, Eli murmured, \"Nu...so if I'll close the\nwindow, will it be warm outside?\"\n"
"The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.\n"
"As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.\n"
"\"In short, ←\bN is Richardian if, and only if, ←\bN is not Richardian.\"\n"
"President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and\nforecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.\n"
"Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;\nslandered.\n"
"Brain, v.: [as in \"to brain\"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to\ndispel a source of error in an opponent.\n"
"Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.\n"
"A computer, to print out a fact,\nWill divide, multiply, and subtract.\n\tBut this output can be\n\tNo more than debris,\nIf the input was short of exact.\n\t\t-- Gigo\n"
"Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.\n"
"Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,\nGod said, \"Let Newton be,\" and all was light.\n\nIt did not last; the devil howling \"Ho!\nLet Einstein be!\" restored the status quo.\n"
"Razors pain you;\nRivers are damp;\nAcids stain you;\nAnd drugs cause cramp.\nGuns aren't lawful;\nNooses give;\nGas smells awful;\nYou might as well live.\n\t\t-- Dorothy Parker\n"
"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time\nto reform.\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. \t\n\t\t-- Henry Kissinger\n"
"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.\t\n\t\t--Oscar Wilde\n"
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.\t\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the\nends.\n\t\t-- Herbert Hoover\n"
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and\nthat is not being talked about.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"
"The sun was shining on the sea,\nShining with all his might:\nHe did his very best to make\nThe billows smooth and bright --\nAnd this was very odd, because it was\nThe middle of the night.\n\t\t-- Lewis Carroll\n"
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it\nhappens.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen.\n"
"The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more\nannoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.\n\t\t-- Oscar Wilde\n"
"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.\n\t\t-- Joe Walsh\n"
"43rd Law of Computing:\n\tAnything that can go wr\nfortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped\n"
"\t\t JACK AND THE BEANSTACK\n\t\t\t by Mark Isaak\n\n\tLong ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL\ncharacter named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their\nhash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, \"Our matrices\nare sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some\nBASICs.\" She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it\nto him.\n\tSo Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,\nhe met the traveling salesman.\n\t\"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?\" prompted the salesman\nin high-level language.\n\t\"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips\nand Apples,\" commented Jack.\n\t\"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue\nthere; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now.\"\n\tJack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when\nhe told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she\nstarted thrashing.\n\t\"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these\nkernels together hardly make up one byte,\" and she popped them out the\nwindow...\n"
"\t\t THE STORY OF CREATION\n\t\t\t or\n\t\t\t THE MYTH OF URK\n\n\tIn the beginning there was data. The data was without form and\nnull, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of\nIBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, \"Let there\nbe registers\"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they\ncarried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called\nthe data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was\nevening and there was morning, one interrupt...\n\n\t\t-- Rico Tudor\n"
"Never try to outstubborn a cat.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"
"FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when\nthe little hand is on the ....\n"
"Only God can make random selections.\n"
"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-\nbogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the\nroad to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.\n\n\t\t-- \"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\"\n"
"Limericks are art forms complex,\nTheir topics run chiefly to sex.\n\tThey usually have virgins,\n\tAnd masculine urgin's,\nAnd other erotic effects.\n"
"Kinkler's First Law:\n\tResponsibility always exceeds authority.\n\nKinkler's Second Law:\n\tAll the easy problems have been solved.\n"
"\"Why be a man when you can be a success?\"\n\t\t-- Bertold Brecht\n"
"\"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.\"\n"
"How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?\n\nNone. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of\nthe way.\n"
"University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's\nusable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to\nfix it, and ...\n"
"How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?\nNone: \"We'll fix it in software.\"\n\nHow many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?\nNone: \"We'll document it in the manual.\"\n\nHow many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?\nNone: \"The user can work it out.\"\n"
"William Safire's Rules for Writers:\n\n\tRemember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice\nshould never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form.\nVerbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if\nyou words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a\ngreat deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A\nwriter must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence\nwith a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word\nto end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place\npronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10\nor more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling\nparticiples must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a\nsentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid\nmixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone\nshould be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in\ntheir writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always\nfollows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague;\nseek viable alternatives.\n"
"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board\n\t\t-- Mark Twain\n"
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and\nmiss\n"
"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.\n"
"The Pig, if I am not mistaken,\nGives us ham and pork and Bacon.\nLet others think his heart is big,\nI think it stupid of the Pig.\n"
"I think that I shall never see\nA billboard lovely as a tree.\nPerhaps,unless the billboards fall\nI'll never see a tree at all.\n"
"Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic\n"
"Today is the first day of the rest of the mess\n"
"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday\n"
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.\n"
"Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.\n"
"Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting\nenough cheese\n"
"Whether you can hear it or not\nThe Universe is laughing behind your back\n"
"Go 'way! You're bothering me!\n"
"Put your Nose to the Grindstone!\n\t\t-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.\n"
"Chicken Soup: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of\naureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken\nsoup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"\tThere are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that\nsomeone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named\nJohnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or\nLarsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that\nevery other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is\nthis?\n\tWho knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for\ncenturies and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ←\by←\bo←\bu\ncan find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's\nforbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster\n-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't\neven understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover\nwhy there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"\tAn old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity\nin the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.\n\t\"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if\nyou're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like\nan hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an\nhour seems like a minute.\"\n\tThe old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a\nmoment and says, \"And from this he makes a living?\"\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"Gay shlafen: Yiddish for \"go to sleep\".\n\nNow doesn't \"gay shlafen\" have a softer, more soothing sound than the\nharsh, staccato \"go to sleep\"? Listen to the difference:\n\t\"Go to sleep, you little wretch!\" ... \"Gay shlafen, darling.\"\nObvious, isn't it?\n\tClearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start\nspeaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as\nlong as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all\nyour friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and\nso on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed\nindividuals and then grow....\n\tSome minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those\nsigns written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when\neverything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on\nthe left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs\nbackwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I\nthink not, my friend, I think not.\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"\"God gives burdens; also shoulders\"\n\n\tJimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech\nat the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish\nsaying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth\nthough; why would he lie about a thing like that?\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,\nas the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:\n\n\t\"I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.\nEddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is\nJewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.\n\t\"Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.\nPumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.\nInstant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.\nMacaroons are ←\bv←\be←\br←\by Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is\ngoyish. Lime soda is ←\bv←\be←\br←\by goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that\nJews won't go near them...\"\n\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: \"Why did God\ncreate goyim?\" The generally accepted answer is \"←\bs←\bo←\bm←\be←\bb←\bo←\bd←\by has to buy\nretail.\"\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's\nstill crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference\nbetween this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like\nthe the difference between life and death.\n\tYou may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill\nthere in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the\nairport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough\nHall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on\nEssex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk\nabout fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the\nman, \"Let me have a nice half-done.\"\n\tWorth the trouble, wasn't it?\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"\tA man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The\nfirst thing he notices is that the arms are too long.\n\t\"No problem,\" says the tailor. \"Just bend them at the elbow\nand hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine.\"\n\t\"But the collar is up around my ears!\"\n\t\"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little...no, a little\nmore...that's it.\"\n\t\"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!\" the man cries in desperation.\n\t\"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you\ngo. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly.\"\n\tSo, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the\nstreet. Reba and Florence see him go by.\n\t\"Oh, look,\" says Reba, \"that poor man!\"\n\t\"Yes,\" says Florence, \"but what a beautiful suit.\"\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"\tMurray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring\nChile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping\npictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret\nmilitary installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and\nEsther and hustle them off to prison.\n\tThey can't prove who they are because they've left their\npassports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day\nand night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation\nmovement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,\ncharged with espionage, and sentenced to death.\n\tThe next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where\nthey'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them\nif they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call\nher daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not\npossible, and turns to Murray.\n\t\"This is crazy!\" Murray shouts. \"We're not spies!\" And he\nspits in the sergeants face.\n\t\"Murray!\" Esther cries. \"Please! Don't make trouble.\"\n\t\t-- Arthur Naiman\n"
"Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the\ntemple, and makes sure everything is in working order.\n\tA shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog\nfunctionaries, and there's a joke about that:\n\tA rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the\nmiddle of a service, \"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!\" The cantor, not to be\nbested, also cries out, \"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!\"\n\tThe shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, \"Oh, Lord, I\nam nobody!\" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, \"Look who thinks\nhe's nobody!\"\n"
"\"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!\"\n\t\t-- Paul McCracken\n"
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to\nhave nothing whatever to do with it.\n\t\t-- W. Somerset Maughm\n"
"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.\n\t\t-- George Saunders' dying words\n"
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a\nconventional thing to happen to him.\n\t\t-- John Barrymore's dying words\n"
"Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.\n"
"It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct\none.\n"
"If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.\n"
"In the long run every program becomes rococco -- then rubble.\n"
"Evertying should be built top-down, except the first time.\n"
"Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was\nwritten and another for which it wasn't.\n"
"If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake\nhim up.\n"
"Optimization hinders evolution.\n"
"A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is\nnot worth knowing.\n"
"Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be\ntaught how ←\bn←\bo←\bt to. So it is with the great programmers.\n"
"Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to\ndescribe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately\ndescribed with pictures.\n"
"There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one\nworks.\n"
"As Will Rogers would have said, \"There is no such things as a free\nvariable.\"\n"
"The best book on programming for the layman is \"Alice in Wonderland\";\nbut that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.\n"
"Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may\nrevitalize the corner saloon.\n"
"Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but\nnothing of interest is easy.\n"
"A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of\nnothing.\n"
"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice\nversa.\n"
"In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our\nprogramming languages.\n"
"In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only\nwe can't control when the five year period will begin.\n"
"Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is\nmeant to be discarded: That the whole point is to always see it as a\nsoap bubble?\n"
"A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe\nin God.\n"
"When someone says \"I want a programming language in which I need only\nsay what I wish done,\" give him a lollipop.\n"
"Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also\neasy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to\nimprove.\n"
"One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.\n"
"Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!\n"
"Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office\nautomation?\n"
"If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.\n"
"Be different: conform.\n"
"Save energy: be apathetic.\n"
"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran\n"
"Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?\nA: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.\n\nQ: How long does it take?\nA: It's indeterminate. It will depend uponhow many flats they've\nbrought with them.\n\nQ: What happens if you've got TWO flats?\nA: They replace your generator.\n"
"\tThen a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.\n\n\tHe then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the\nJordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an\nopen market.\n\n\tIf a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he\nshould not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of\nhimself.\n\n\tSuch a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.\n\tSuch a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.\n\tSuch a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.\n\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran\n"
"\t\"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.\"\n"
"\tA priest asked: What is Fate, Master?\n\n\tAnd he answered:\n\tIt is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for\nexistence.\n\tIt is that which men in former times had to bear upon their\nbacks.\n\tIt is that which has caused nations to build byways from City\nto City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns\nhave come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.\n\n\tAnd that is Fate? said the priest.\n\n\tFate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.\n\n\tThat's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know\nwhat Freight was too.\n\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran\n"
"\"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is\nlightly greased.\"\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran\n"
"\"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.\"\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran\n"
"\"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.\"\n\t\t-- Kehlog Albran\n"
"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.\n\t\t-- Dr. Who\n"
"\"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't\nimmune to bullets\"\n\t\t-- The Brigader, from Dr. Who\n"
"The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:\n\tSupport your right to bare arms!\n"
"They also surf who only stand on waves.\n"
"Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.\n\t\t-- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet\n"
"In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"
"You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on\nthe continuing viability of Fortran.\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"
"A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of\nnothing.\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"
"The computing field is always in need of new cliches.\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"
"It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to\nprogram. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in\norganizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be\nself-critical?\n\t\t-- Alan Perlis\n"
"\"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any\nbazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once\npunched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing\nbazingas, and such.\"\n\t\t-- N. Meyrowitz\n"
"People will buy anything that's one to a customer.\n"
"Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.\n[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]\n\t\t-- Aelius Donatus\n"
"If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to\ninvent it.\n"
"It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a\npretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the\nsin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"
"The superfluous is very necessary.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"
"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that\nvirginity could be a virtue.\n\t\t-- Voltaire\n"
"I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,\nI know the scientific names of beings animalculous;\nIn short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,\nI am the very model of a modern Major-General.\n"
"Oh don't the days seem lank and long\n\tWhen all goes right and none goes wrong,\nAnd isn't your life extremely flat\n\tWith nothing whatever to grumble at!\n"
"An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.\n\t\t-- A. P. Herbert\n"
"Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.\n\t\t-- Trotsky\n"
"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.\n\t\t-- Gore Vidal\n"
"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.\n"
"The rain it raineth on the just\n\tAnd also on the unjust fella,\nBut chiefly on the just, because\n\tThe unjust steals the just's umbrella.\n"
"The world's as ugly as sin,\nAnd almost as delightful\n\t\t-- Frederick Locker-Lampson\n"
"\t\"Reflections on Ice-Breaking\"\nCandy\nIs dandy\nBut liquor\nIs quicker.\n\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"
"Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.\n\t\t-- Jules Feiffer\n"
"Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit\nthem on the head.\n"
"You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.\n"
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly\nwhat the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly\ndisappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and\ninexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has\nalready happened.\n\t\t-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\n"
"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,\nand wrong.\n\t\t-- H. L. Mencken\n"
"Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.\n"
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.\n\t\t-- Wernher von Braun\n"
"My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand\ntimes as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and\nsending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right\nthrough my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever\nlistens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just\nlog out again.\n"
"Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.\n"
"\"Grub first, then ethics.\"\n\t\t-- Bertolt Brecht\n"
"\"I drink to make other people interesting.\"\n\t\t-- George Jean Nathan\n"
"\t DETERIORATA\n\nGo placidly amid the noise and waste,\nAnd remember what comfort there may be\nIn owning a piece thereof.\nAvoid quiet and passive persons,\nUnless you are in need of sleep.\nRotate your tires.\nSpeak glowingly of those greater than yourself,\nAnd heed well their advice --\nEven though they be turkeys.\nKnow what to kiss -- and when.\nRemember that two wrongs never make a right,\nBut that three do.\nWherever possible, put people on `HOLD'.\nBe comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,\nAnd despite the changing fortunes of time,\nThere is always a big future in computer maintenance.\n\n You are a fluke of the universe...\n You have no right to be here.\n Whether you can hear it or not, the universe\n Is laughing behind your back.\n"
"Remember the Pueblo.\nStrive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.\nKnow yourself.\nIf you need help, call the FBI.\nExercise caution in your daily affairs,\nEspecially with those closest to you --\nThat lemon on your left, for instance.\nBe assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls\nWould scarcely get your feet wet.\nFall not in love, therefore, it will stick to your face.\nGracefully surrender the things of youth...\nThe birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan...\nAnd let not the sands of time get in your lunch.\nHire people with hooks.\nFor a good time, call 606-4311, ask for Ken.\nTake heart in the ever-deepening gloom, that your dog\nIs finally getting enough cheese.\nAnd remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot\nIt could only be worse in Milwaukee.\n\n You are a fluke of the universe...\n You have no right to be here.\n Whether you can hear it or not, the universe\n Is laughing behind your back.\n\nTherefore, make peace with your God, whatever you conceive him to be --\nHairy Thunderer, or Cosmic Muffin.\nWith all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,\nThe world continues to deteriorate.\n"
"I sent a letter to the fish,\nI told them, \"This is what I wish.\"\nThe little fishes of the sea,\nThey sent an answer back to me.\nThe little fishes' answer was\n\"We cannot do it, sir, because...\"\nI sent a letter back to say\nIt would be better to obey.\nBut someone came to me and said\n\"The little fishes are in bed.\"\nI said to him, and I said it plain\n\"Then you must wake them up again.\"\nI said it very loud and clear,\nI went and shouted in his ear.\nBut he was very stiff and proud,\nHe said \"You needn't shout so loud.\"\nAnd he was very proud and stiff,\nHe said \"I'll go and wake them if...\"\nI took a kettle from the shelf,\nI went to wake them up myself.\nBut when I found the door was locked\nI pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,\nAnd when I found the door was shut,\nI tried to turn the handle, But...\n\n\t\"Is that all?\" asked Alice.\n\t\"That is all.\" said Humpty Dumpty. \"Goodbye.\"\n"
"\"Pascal is not a high-level language.\"\n\t\t-- Steven Feiner\n"
"E Pluribus Unix\n"
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.\n"
"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.\n"
"Immortality -- a fate worse than death.\n\t\t-- Edgar A. Shoaff\n"
"The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing\nmore important to do.\n"
"You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.\n"
"All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own\nimportance.\n"
"If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without\nhaving to accomplish anything.\n"
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.\n"
"No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.\n"
"The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at\nleast until we've finished building it.\n"
"It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.\n"
"Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,\nno one we know belongs.\n"
"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.\n"
"If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.\n"
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.\n"
"There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know\nnothing about.\n"
"What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing\nto compare it with.\n"
"It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a\nwarning to others.\n"
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,\ncall it the target.\n"
"If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.\n"
"Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.\n\t\t-- Andrew Young\n"
"The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important\npoint to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly\nimportant thing to people.\n\t\t-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King\n"
"\"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.\"\n\t\t-- J. Paul Getty\n"
"Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.\n\t\t-- Milton Friedman\n"
"The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going\ndown.\n"
"There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a\nvagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.\n\t\t-- Gloria Steinem\n"
"We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.\n\t\t-- Pogo\n"
"Nothing recedes like success.\n\t\t-- Walter Winchell\n"
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.\n\t\t-- Isaac Asimov\n"
"Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.\n\t\t-- Lily Tomlin\n"
"Tax reform means \"Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind\nthe tree.\"\n\t\t-- Russell Long\n"
"Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some\npeople have mediocrity thrust upon them.\n\t\t-- Joseph Heller\n"
"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still\nbe a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.\n\t\t-- Snoopy\n"
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car\npayments.\n\t\t-- Earl Wilson\n"
"The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.\n"
"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular\nerror.\n\t\t-- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what\nis good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.\n\t\t-- John Kenneth Galbraith\n"
"TV is chewing gum for the eyes.\n\t\t-- Frank Lloyd Wright\n"
"He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry\nattacks democracy itself.\n\t\t-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS\n"
"Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.\n\t\t-- Eric Hoffer\n"
"You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable\ndoubt.\n\t\t-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict\n"
"\n===============================================================================\n||\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t ||\n||\tThe FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||\n||\t Watch for it at a theater near you next summer!\t\t ||\n||\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t ||\n===============================================================================\n\nFrancis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production \"Fortune\nCookie\" Directed by Steven Spielberg Starring Harrison Ford Bette\nMidler Marlon Brando Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers and Bob\nHope as `The Waiter'\n Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin\n Special Effects by Timothy Leary\n Read the Warner paperback\n Invoke the Unix program\n Soundtrack on XTC Records\n In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected\n theaters and terminal centers\n"
"If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest\nshopping center in the world?\n\t\t-- Richard Nixon\n"
"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.\n"
"AMAZING BUT TRUE...\n\tIf all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to\n\tend across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely\n\tawful.\n"
"AMAZING BUT TRUE...\n\tThere is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread\n\tout it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.\n"
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no\naccount be allowed to do the job.\n\t\t-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\n"
"With a rubber duck, one's never alone.\n\t\t-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy\n"
"\t\t LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)\nDear Sir,\n\tI am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the\nhome or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon\nus in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only\nresult in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in\nturn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed\nagricultural industry.\n\nYours faithfully,\nCapt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.\nSevenoaks\n"
"Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a\npagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city\nuntil about his 35th year, when he became a Christian.... To him is\nascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe\nbecause it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical\nfact, for he merely said:\n\t\"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because\n\tit is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain\n\tbecause it is impossible.\"\nThanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of\nphilosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.\n\n\t -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types\n\n(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).\n"
"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.\n"
"SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.\n"
"Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.\n"
"In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to\ndrop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at\ndiscotheques.\n\t\t-- Art Linkletter\n"
"Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.\n\t\t-- Frank Zappa\n"
"Justice is incidental to law and order.\n\t\t-- J. Edgar Hoover\n"
"The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and\nreligious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging\nfrom the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its\nyielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the\nworld put together.\n\t\t-- Sir Peter Medawar\n"
"The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by\na major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.\n"
"Flon's Law:\n\tThere is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is\n\tthe least bit difficult to write bad programs.\n"
"GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917\n\nOn this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught\nthen-Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought\nthem off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, \"I thought I\nwouldn't get out of that under $1000!\" Always one to learn from his\nmistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a\ntiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men\nstood lookout.\n"
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.\n"
"\"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity\nthat would be clearly understood.\"\n\t\t-- Alexander Haig\n"
"This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,\nyou would have received further instructions as to what to do and where\nto go.\n"
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.\n\t\t-- Woody Allen\n"
"\"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.\"\n\t\t-- Jeff Berner\n"
"Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.\n"
"This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.\n"
"When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.\n"
"Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a\nselection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not try\nit, and see how offended you are? The -a (\"all\") option will select a\nfortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive set, and it\nis suggested that \"fortune -a\" is the command that you use if you can\nstand it.\n"
"\t THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM\n\nIf you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your\ncontribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue\nwithout your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are\ncontributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We\ncan't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money\nfor fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the\ndifference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight\nand 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to\n`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before\nyou forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.\nDon't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute\n30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to \"The\nFortune Hunter\", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or\nmore, you will receive a free \"Fortune Hunter\" coffee mug....\n"
"Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!\n"
"Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.\n\t -- Voltaire\n"
"Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?\nA: Five, four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.\n"
"Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?\nA: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.\n"
"SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.\n"
"POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' (\"many\") and the French 'tete'\n(\"head\" or \"face,\" as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).\nHence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.\n\t\t-- Martin Pitt\n"
"CALIFORNIA: From Latin 'calor', meaning \"heat\" (as in English\n'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for \"sexual\nintercourse\" or \"fornication.\" Hence: Tierra de California, \"the land\nof hot sex.\"\n\t\t-- Ed Moran, Covina, California\n"
"ETYMOLOGY: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations\nthat were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was\nformed from the Latin 'etus' (\"eaten\"), the root 'mal' (\"bad\"), and\n'logy' (\"study of\"). It meant \"the study of things that are hard to\nswallow.\"\n\t\t-- Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota\n"
"Another Glitch in the Call\n------- ------ -- --- ----\n (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)\n\nWe don't need no indirection\nWe don't need no flow control\nNo data typing or declarations\n Hey! Did you leave the lists alone?\n\nChorus:\n All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.\n\n...\n"
"armadillo - to provide weapons to a spanish pickle\n"
"Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.\n"
"\"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.\"\n"
"Bumper sticker:\n\n\"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British\nmanufacture\"\n"
"\t\"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?\"\n\n\t\"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.\" said\n\t\tthe Cat\n\n\t\t\t\t--from \"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland\n\t\t\t\t\t by Lewis Carroll\n"
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.\nIt's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.\n"
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the\nWestern Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.\nOrbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an\nutterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life\nforms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches\nare a pretty neat idea...\n\n\t\t-- Douglas Adams\n\t\t \"The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy\"\n"
"Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to\npoint B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very\nfast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are\noften given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people\nfrom point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B\nthat so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often\nwish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell\nthey wanted to be.\n\n\t\t-- Douglas Adams\n\t\t \"The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy\"\n"
"Serocki's Stricture:\n\tMarriage is always a bachelor's last option.\n"
"Virtue is its own punishment.\n"
"Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to\nlook at the other guy's.\n\t\t-- Hal Hickman\n"
"The United States Army;\n194 years of proud service,\nunhampered by progress.\n"
"Do something big -- fuck a giant\n"
"Draft beer, not people\n"
"God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.\n"
"God is an atheist.\n"
"Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.\n"
"In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,\nMassaging the bust of his madam,\n\tHe chuckled with mirth,\n\tFor he knew that on earth,\nThere were only two boobs and he had 'em.\n"
"Chaste makes waste.\n"
"Cunnilingus is next to godliness.\n"
"Coito ergo sum\n"
"God isn't dead -- he's been busted\n"
"The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the\ncactus has the pricks on the outside.\n"
"Hugh Hefner is a virgin.\n"
"I came; I saw; I fucked up\n"
"Reagan can't ←\ba←\bc←\bt either\n"
"Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.\n"
"Getting an education at the University of California is like\nhaving $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.\n"
"Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely\ninspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.\nOne who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not\ninconsistent with a life of sin.\n"
"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for\nman -- who has no gills.\n"
"Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,\nYankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was\nthe new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;\nnobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American\nKnow-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in\nthe country was hopelessly trapped.\n\t\t-- Alan Sherman, \"The Rape of the A*P*E*\"\n"
"\t\"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no\nmatter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly\npleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent\nmerriment.\n\t\"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone\nagreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and\nlambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,\nthough most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along\ninnocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they\nwere dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.\"\n\t\t-- Alan Sherman, \"The Rape of the A*P*E*\"\n"
"Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.\nIt is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the\nHypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which\nthey are pleased to call \"war\" and \"commerce.\" These, also, are the\nprincipal industries of the Orient.\n"
"\"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to\nwatch him have another.\"\n"
"\tI wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay\ndead that scares the shit out of me.\n\t\t-- R. Geis\n"
"\tHistory has the relation to truth that theology has to\nreligion -- i.e. none to speak of.\n\t\t-- Lazarus Long\n"
"...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the\nDevil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for\nbridge.\n\t\t-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19\n"
"\tThem Toad Suckers\n\nHow 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?\nSittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!\n\nSuckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,\nSuckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.\n\nLook at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?\nSuckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!\n\nThem hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,\nStickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!\n\nHow to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,\nGet yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!\n\n\t\t-- Mason Williams\n"
"There was an old pirate named Bates\nWho was learning to rhumba on skates.\n\tHe fell on his cutlass\n\tWhich rendered him nutless\nAnd practically useless on dates.\n"
"There was a young man from Bel-Aire\nWho was screwing his girl on the stair,\n\tBut the banister broke\n\tSo he doubled his stroke\nAnd finished her off in mid-air.\n"
"A pretty young lady named Vogel\nOnce sat herself down on a molehill.\n\tA curious mole\n\tNosed into her hole --\nMs. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.\n"
"A mathematician named Hall\nHas a hexahedronical ball,\n\tAnd the cube of its weight\n\tTimes his pecker's, plus eight\nIs his phone number -- give him a call..\n"
"Said Einstein, \"I have an equation\nWhich to some may seem rabelaisian:\n\tLet ←\bV be virginity\n\tApproaching infinity;\nLet ←\bP be a constant persuasion;\n\n\"Let ←\bV over ←\bP be inverted\nWith the square root of ←\bM←\bu inserted\n\t←\bN times into ←\bV ...\n\tThe result, Q.E.D.,\nIs a relative!\" Einstein asserted.\n"
"A team playing baseball in Dallas\nCalled the umpire blind out of malice.\n\tWhile this worthy had fits\n\tThe team made eight hits\nAnd a girl in the bleachers named Alice.\n"
"A bather whose clothing was strewed\nBy breezes that left her quite nude,\n\tSaw a man come along\n\tAnd, unless I'm quite wrong,\nYou expected this line to be lewd.\n"
"There was a young lad name of Durcan\nWho was always jerkin' his gherkin.\n\tHis father said, \"Durcan!\n\tStop jerkin' your gherkin!\nYour gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.\n"
"There was a young girl named Sapphire\nWho succumbed to her lover's desire.\n\tShe said, \"It's a sin,\n\tBut now that it's in,\nCould you shove it a few inches higher?\"\n"
"A beat schizophrenic said, \"Me?\nI am not I, I'm a tree.\"\n\tBut another, more sane,\n\tShouted, \"I'm a Great Dane!\"\nAnd covered his pants leg with pee.\n"
"\tIn the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was\nwithout form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So\nthey spake unto their Division Head, saying, \"It is a crock of shit,\nand it stinks.\"\n\n\tAnd the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,\n\"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof.\" Now,\nthe Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, \"It is a\ncontainer of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide\nbefore it.\" And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto\nthe Assistant Technical Director, saying, \"It is a vessel of fertilizer\nand none may abide by its strength.\"\n\n\tAnd the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the\nTechnical Director, saying, \"It containeth that which aids growth and\nit is very strong.\" And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto\nthe Captain, saying, \"The powerful new Project will help promote the\ngrowth of the Laboratories.\"\n\n\tAnd the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that\nit was Good!\n"
"There once was a hacker named Ken\nWho inherited truckloads of Yen\n\tSo he built him some chicks\n\tOf silicon chips\nAnd hasn't been heard from since then.\n"
"There once was a plumber from Leigh,\nWho was plumbing his maid by the sea,\n\tSaid she, \"Please stop plumbing,\n\tI think someone's coming!\"\nSaid he, \"Yes I know love, it's me.\"\n"
"There once was a freshman named Lin,\nWhose tool was as thin as a pin,\n\tA virgin named Joan\n\tFrom a bible belt home,\nSaid \"This won't be much of a sin.\"\n"
"Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,\nlicentious, dirty bum!!\n"
"\"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that\ncan't happen.\"\n\t\t-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)\n"
"There once was a couple named Kelley,\nWho lived their life belly to belly.\n\tBecause in their haste\n\tThey used Library Paste,\nInstead of Petroleum Jelly.\n"
"CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)\n\nOh, give me a clone\nOf my own flesh and bone\n\tWith the Y chromosome changed to X.\nAnd when she is grown,\nMy very own clone,\n\tWe'll be of the opposite sex.\n\nChorus:\n\tClone, clone of my own,\n\tWith the Y chromosome changed to X.\n\tAnd when we're alone,\n\tSince her mind is my own,\n\tShe'll be thinking of nothing but sex.\n\n\t\t-- Randall Garrett\n"
"Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't\nfruits and nuts is flakes.\n"
"There once was a young man named Gene\nWho invented a screwing machine\n\tConcave and convex\n\tIt served either sex\nAnd it played with itself in between.\n"
"Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?\nBecause all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.\n"
"Sex is like a bridge game --\nIf you have a good hand no partner is needed.\n"
"\"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it\nso that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the\ntime he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.\"\n"
"He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they\n←\bH←\bA←\bD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's\nqualified for!\n\t\t-- Michael Cain\n"
"\t\"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you\ndidn't believe in God.\"\n\t\"I don't,\" she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, \"but the\nGod I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's\nnot the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be.\"\n\t\t-- Joseph Heller\n"
"A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never\nlearned to walk.\n\t\t-- Franklin D. Roosevelt\n"
"Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.\n\t\t-- Leo C. Rosten\n"
"A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for\nthe first time.\n\t\t-- Alfred E. Wiggam\n"
"A pretty young maiden from France\nDecided she'd \"just take a chance.\"\n\tShe let herself go\n\tFor an hour or so\nAnd now all her sisters are aunts.\n"
"John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.\n\t\t-- Edward P. Morgan\n"
"Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,\nall will end as doves.\n"
"\"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a\ngood many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious\nscruples and the police.\"\n\t\t-- Mr. Dooley\n"
"Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he\nforgets?\n"
"Grain grows best in shit\n\t\t-- U. K. LeGuin\n"
"All things dull and ugly,\n\tAll creatures short and squat,\n\tAll things rude and nasty,\n\tThe Lord God made the lot;\nEach little snake that poisons,\n\tEach little wasp that stings,\n\tHe made their brutish venom,\n\tHe made their horrid wings.\nAll things sick and cancerous,\n\tAll evil great and small,\n\tAll things foul and dangerous,\n\tThe Lord God made them all.\nEach nasty little hornet,\n\tEach beastly little squid.\n\tWho made the spikey urchin?\n\tWho made the sharks? He did.\nAll things scabbed and ulcerous,\n\tAll pox both great and small.\n\tPutrid, foul and gangrenous,\n\tThe Lord God made them all.\n\n\t\t-- Monty Python\n"
"Immanuel Kant was a real pissant\n Who was very rarely stable.\nHeidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar\n Who could think you under the table.\nDavid Hume could out-consume\n Schopenhauer and Hegel,\nAnd Wittgenstein was a beery swine\n Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.\nThere's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya\n 'Bout the raising of the wrist.\nSocrates, himself, was permanently pissed!\n\nJohn Stuart Mill, of his own free will,\n On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.\nPlato, they say, could stick it away\n Half a crate of whiskey every day.\nAristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,\n Hobbes was fond of his dram,\nAnd Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:\n \"I drink, therefore I am\"\nYes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;\n A lovely little thinker \nBut a bugger when he's pissed!\n\n\t\t-- Monty Python\n"
"Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.\n"
"All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm\nplace to shift.\n"
"Hackers know all the right MOVs.\n"
"Hackers do it with fewer instructions.\n"
"Hackers do it with bugs.\n"
"AI hackers do it with robots.\n"
"Mathematicians take it to the limit.\n"
"Mathematicians do it in theory.\n"
"Statisticians probably do it.\n"
"Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.\n"
"Physicists do it with charm\n"
"Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.\n"
"Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).\n"
"Politicians do it to everyone.\n"
"Procrastinators do it tomorrow.\n"
"Communists do it without class.\n"
"Evangelists do it with Him watching.\n"
"God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.\n"
"The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.\n"
"There was a young lady named Hall,\nWore a newspaper dress to a ball.\n\tThe dress caught on fire\n\tAnd burned her entire\nFront page, sporting section, and all.\n"
"Missionary position: The missionary on top.\n"
"O'Riordan's Theorem:\n\tBrains x Beauty = Constant.\n\nPurmal's Corollary:\n\tAs the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,\n\tavailability goes to zero.\n"
"This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put\n\"di-dah\" for the filthy words.\n\tDi-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,\n\tDi-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;\n\t\tdi-dah di-dah di-dah?\n\t\tDi-dah di-dah di-dah.\n\tDi-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.\n"
"There was a young whore from kaloo\nWho filled her vagina with glue.\n\tShe said with a grin,\n\t\"If they pay to get in,\nThey can pay to get out again too!\"\n"
"Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and\nstill come out ahead.\n"
"Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to\nfly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,\nthe sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.\nAfter a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to\nearth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this\nlittle bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure\nwarmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow\nbegan to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the\nchirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,\nhe found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.\n\nThere are three morals to this story:\n\n1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.\n\n2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your\n\tfriend.\n\n3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth\n\tshut.\n"
"\tThe problems with \"Medflies\" may have hurt Jerry Brown's\nchances to become a Senator. After all, if they won't allow California\nfruit out of the state, how is Brown going to get to Washington?\n"
"Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.\nRaygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.\nAide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.\nRaygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.\n"
"\"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the\ngovernment, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was\ngone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be\nlucky to escape with our skins!\"\n"
"Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: NONE! Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs!\n"
"...and then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,\nand sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps...\n"
"One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout\nwere flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of\nnowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.\nUnfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four\npassengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of the parachutes and declared\n\"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must\nbe spared.\" And he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed \"As\nleader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for\ndemocracy.\" And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are\nfollowing all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that\nthere is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The\nPope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said \"I have had a long and\nproductive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's\nhands.\" \"That's very kind of you,\" the observant scout replied, \"but\nthere is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack.\"\n"
"Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?\n\n\t\t...Seats 500.\n"
"Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your\nbackyard?\n\nA: If all your trashcan liners are missing...\n"
"If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?\n"
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it\nonce was...an arctic wilderness\n\t\t-- Steve Martin\n"
"A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,\nis having fun.\n"
"Dear Lord, observe this bended knee\nThis visage meek and humble,\nAnd hear this confidential plea\nVoiced in reverent mumble:\n\tGive me Shylock, give me Fagin\n\tBut O God spare me Ronald Reagan!\n\n\t\t-- Ansel Adams\n"
" The Split-Atom Blues\n\nGimme Twinkies, gimme wine,\n Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...\nBut if you split those atoms fine,\n Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!\n\nGimme zits, take my dough,\n Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...\nCall the devil and sell my soul,\n But Mama keep dem atoms whole!\n\n\t\t-- Milo Bloom\n"
"Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,\n\"My favorite sport is coitus.\"\n\tBut a fullback from State\n\tMade her period late,\nAnd now she has athlete's fetus\n"
"There was an old man of the port\nWhose prick was remarkably short.\n\tWhen he got into bed,\n\tThe old woman said,\n\"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!\"\n"
"A worried young man from Stamboul\nFounds lots of red spots on his tool.\n\tSaid the doctor, a cynic,\n\t\"Get out of my clinic;\nJust wipe off the lipstick, you fool!\"\n"
"He hated to mend, so young Ned\nCalled in a cute neighbor instead.\n\tHer husband said, \"Vi,\n\tWhen you stitched up his torn fly,\nDid you have to bite off the thread?\"\n"
"There was a young man named Crockett\nWhose balls got caught in a socket.\n\tHis wife was a bitch,\n\tAnd she threw the switch,\nAs Crockett went off like a rocket.\n"
"Said a swinging young chick named Lyth\nWhose virtue was largely a myth,\n\t\"Try as hard as I can,\n\tI can't find a man\nThat it's fun to be virtuous with.\"\n"
"A wanton young lady from Wimley\nReproached for not acting quite primly\n\tSaid, \"Heavens above!\n\tI know sex isn't love,\nBut it's such an entrancing facsimile.\"\n"
"I once met a lassie named Ruth\nIn a long distance telephone booth.\n\tNow I know the perfection\n\tOf an ideal connection\nEven if somewhat uncouth.\n"
"There was a young lady from Maine\nWho claimed she had men on her brain.\n\tBut you knew from the view,\n\tAs her abdomen grew,\nIt was not on her brain that he'd lain.\n"
"A remarkable race are the Persians;\nThey have such peculiar diversions.\n\tThey make love the whole day\n\tIn the usual way\nAnd save up the nights for perversions.\n"
"A widow who fancied a man some\nWas diddled three times in a hansome.\n\tWhen she clamored for more\n\tHer young man became sore\nAnd exclaimed \"My name's Simpson not Samson.\"\n"
"There once was a Scot named McAmeter\nWith a tool of prodigious diameter.\n\tIt was not the size\n\tThat cause such surprise;\n'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.\n"
"\tThe Gray-haired Woman's Complaint\n\nMy back aches, my pussy is sore;\nI simply can't fuck any more;\n\tI'm covered with sweat,\n\tAnd you haven't come yet,\nAnd my God, it's a quarter to four!\n"
"I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of\noral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate\ncommerce.\n\t\t-- J. Edgar Hoover\n"
"A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely\ncalled a liberal.\n"
"Nothing is better than Sex.\nMasturbation is better than nothing.\nTherefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.\n"
"God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.\n"
"If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.\n"
"Once a young gay from Khartoum,\nTook a lesbian up to his room.\n\tThey argued all nite,\n\tOver who had the right,\nTo do what, and with which, and to whom.\n"
"He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own\nhands.\n"
"Beckhap's Law:\n\tBeauty times brains equals a constant.\n"
"Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.\n\t\t-- Robert Burton\n"
"I have a funny daddy\nWho goes in and out with me\nAnd everything that baby does\nDaddy's sure to see,\nAnd everthing that baby says,\nMy daddy's sure to tell.\nYou ←\bm←\bu←\bs←\bt have read my daddy's verse.\nI hope he fries in Hell.\n\t\t-- Ogden Nash\n"
"He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink\ndamsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.\n"
"An Army travels on her stomach.\n"
"\"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a\nbuzz-saw.\"\n\t\t-- W. C. Fields\n"
"The computer is the ultimate polluter: Its shit is indistinguishable\nfrom the food it produces.\n"
"There's more than one way to skin a cat:\n Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.\n"
"There's more than one way to skin a cat:\n Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.\n"
"There's more than one way to skin a cat:\n Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.\n"
"You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll\nbe dead.\n"
"We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.\n"
"The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.\n"
"Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a\n\tschoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?\nA:\tA nurse says: \"This won't hurt a bit.\"\n\tA schoolteacher says: \"We're going to have to do this over and\n\t\tover again until we get it right.\"\n\tAn airline stewardess says: \"Just hold this over your mouth and\n\t\tnose, and breath normally.\"\n"
"Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?\nA: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.\n"
"Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!\n\t\t-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,\n\t\t the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association\n"
"Kill a commie for Christ!\n"
"Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?\nA: A fur coat.\n"
"This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.\n"
"My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around\nwith his head stuck up his ass.\n"
"NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:\n\t\"Sally\", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on\na short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her\npromptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of\nour \"Big John\" doll.)\n"
"Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used\nfor sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such\nattempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous\nas the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the\nOld Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God\nfinally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.\n\t\t-- R.E. Masters\n"
"I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else\nthat has ever happened, and vice versa.\n\t\t-- Frank Zappa\n"
"A hard man is good to find.\n"
"Vidi, vici, veni.\n(I saw, I conquered, I came.)\n"
"Q: What's Jewish foreplay?\nA: Two hours of begging.\n"
"Randel -- n. A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an\napology for farting at a friend.\n\t\t-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &\n\t\t Preposterous Words\n"
"Q. What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common?\nA. They're both stuck up cunts.\n"
"Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is\nto mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal\ndifference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the\nformer breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)\nfacts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the\nhistorian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their\nankles in bullshit.\n\t\t-- Tom Robbins\n"
"\"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.\"\n\t\t-- Bo Diddley\n"
"\"The whole world is about three drinks behind.\"\n\t\t-- Humphrey Bogart\n"
"College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months\nlater you wish you'd never come.\n"
"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.\n"
"\"A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her\ndrawers.\"\n\t\t--- Blind Lemon Pledge\n"
"Motto of the Electrical Engineer:\n\tWorking computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it\n\tstays up as long as you don't fuck with it.\n"
"You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't\npick your friend's nose.\n"
"Which of the following doesn't belong?\n\t(a) meat\n\t(b) eggs\n\t(c) wife\n\t(d) blowjob.\nAnswer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your\neggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.\n"
"\"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at\nhand.\"\n\t -- James Watt\n"
"Definition: Virgin -- an ugly third grader.\n"
"What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.\n"
"There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.\n\t -- David Mairowitz\n"
"You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to\nget back inside.\n\t -- Heathcote Williams\n"
"Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?\n"
"Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's\nhard you get fucked.\n"
"Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are\nhorses?\n\t\t-- G. Gordon Liddy\n"
"If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you\nshould join\n\n\t\tTHE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF\n\nAn amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the\nFlat Earth Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up\nto cater to all who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way\nof their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of\nthe earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as\ncorrect Church dogma:\n\n -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which\n\tUFOs come.\n --\tThat pi equals precisely 3.000.\n --\tThat sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.\n -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared\n\tthe circle.\n --\tThat Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.\n --\tThat pi equals precisely 22/7.\n\nSeveral other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being\nstudied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were\ndone in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject\nof a forthcoming Papal Bull.\n\nTo join, send $39.95 and 10% of all future paychecks to: Duane Gish,\nCCB, San Diego, CA.\n"
"Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole\n\t\t-- John Valby\n"
""
"Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for\neveryone but her.\n\nRich.\n"
"Overheard in a bar:\nMan: \"hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!\"\nWoman: \"No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now.\"\n"
"\"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad\nname.\"\n\t\t-- Gore Vidal\n"
"\"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the\nopposite.\"\n\t\t-- J. K. Galbraith\n"
"This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an\nactual emergency, you would have known it!\n"
"Kasha: Kasha is always defined as \"buckwheat groats\". There's only one\nproblem with this difinition: what the fuck are \"buckwheat groats\"? ←\bI\nknow what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you much.\n"
"There once was a lady from Exeter,\nSo pretty that men craned their necks at her.\n\tOne was even so brave\n\tAs to take out and wave\nThe distinguishing mark of his sex at her.\n"